Sunday ramble – Oddly hard to get back into blogging

In the back of my mind I’m all, I want to get back into blogging. I want to share thoughts, chit chat, journal, share recipes, chat about books.

Then on the other side the critic gets in my head. Nobody wants to hear your thoughts, nobody cares, nobody reads, nobody responds, nobody this and nobody that. Nobody wants personal on a business/writing site (that’s not how you do it!) You ARE a nobody. lol I’m super insecure about that sort of thing. My ego can take a hit from a lot of those who wanna troll, who wanna be hurtful, etc., and it takes me time to recover. I know all of that is a lie. I mean I have proof when people say to me, “I rarely/never comment, but I really enjoyed this,” “really enjoy reading,” things of that nature. And as per this being my site for books, it’s being me when I combine personal with business because that’s how I AM, anyway. I don’t want this to be strictly about writing, or my books. SO boring.

I think part of it is also the fixers. People who genuinely want to help, but don’t realize they don’t need to “fix,” everyone. I can be that way sometimes too. Where I try to help, then realize I forgot to ask if they wanted it. I try to be helpful, but then later realize we’re kinda being condescending at times to people when we “over” help. Because there is that small aspect where it’s a tad demeaning. We’re not intentionally doing so. I’m not saying that. We’re not purposely trying to be mean. We’re only trying to do good. But there is a tiny bit of that. “Well I know more than you and CLEARLY I know the issues so I can now FIX you! Because there is something TO fix!” Evil overlord giggles. I mean, right? There is that hint of, you need fixing and can’t do it so I’m the authority, I will.

Because when we’re tired and want to vent, we just want to be heard, but can get that onnnnneeee person who just pushes too far into nonhelpful helpfulness. It can be grating, not comforting. I do worry over being that way with people because sometimes even the most well intentioned folks can feel that way to me on a bad day. I don’t want them to feel bad or to stop helping so I may bite my tongue because people are raw these days. I understand it. If someone were to say something besides thank you to me, I might also have that feeling where it’s like, “okay then I’ll never help you again.” We unintentionally rebute it. Like giving someone a compliment and they say, “oh I’m not cute, it’s nothing, etc. Replying that way can sometimes make folks not want to continue.

That does stem from being abused as a child, I’m aware of that too. I over worry, over analyze, over think. So talking it out helps. And I want this blog to be that too for someone. Where it’s not a set thing that I’m trying to be perfect (I’d fail completely) about. Where it’s so “set up” that I stopped being authentic to who I was, what I was going through. I don’t want cookie cutter blogs, I don’t want template writing.

I also worry over privacy. How far is too far? I don’t want to push into someone else’s territory and cross a personal or legal line, but I also don’t want to completely restrict myself for my part. And I’ve been private about certain aspects of who I am in life because then I can easily shrug it off, well they don’t really know me. Or, they don’t know blank about me so they can’t criticize that part of me. But I like being open. Being open is authentic. If I’m an asshole, I want to admit to it too. I want to say, I screwed up. I will.

Example – other day I was trying to remove an app from someone’s Kindle and I completely screwed up. Two were similar icons and I thought I was uninstalling the right one. Turns out it was the wrong one. I told them right away, I screwed up. Problem was that I lost their stats that they’ve accrued. This particular person keeps pointing that out to me, but I admitted the mistake as soon as it happened.

I clearly still struggle with perfectionism issues. The only thing that’s ever helped me recover from what I went through as a child was to do this exact thing. Write. I’d been put in therapy, but never talked. I knew the questions the woman asked to get me to chat about what happened and stayed silent. When she asked random day to day life things, it opened me up. Buuuutttt, not about that other stuff. When someone says, “come to me,” I don’t. I struggle with it. It’s so hard for me to reach out to people. Even just to say hi. Even just to say, I was thinking about you, I think about you a lot. That, is a huge struggle for me. I’ve gotten much, much better at it because of my best friend. I think it helps that we’re so similar that we understand each other. No matter what we believe or think, that may be different with her and I, we accept it about one another, which is also what helps.

Writing is for me, the one thing (especially in this public form), that seems to truly help me heal. Maybe because it makes me accountable. My word is important to me so if I say something here, I’m going to back it up, I’m going to honor it, I’m going to be held accountable. I honor my word. Maybe because I truly do love to serve. I love to help, and deep down I know someone will be helped. At least one person will read something I say, at a time they need to hear it. I know because I’ve been told so. If I considered the amount of people who can read the words I put down? I’d shut down. So I know it’s not a “hey look at me! Gimme attention!!” kinda thing. No, no, no. Do not tell me how many can see or read this stuff. lol I will go hide under the covers and you will have to drag me kicking and screaming to get out.

But those rare messages I get or comments that tell me, reading your words helped me. That. That I think is why I do this. But it takes so much effort for me to open myself up after being kicked down again. I was kicked down the past few years as most of us have been. There were some good moments, there were some bad. I was doing really good on posting almost daily. I found the “thing” to get me to, which was psycho analyzing my characters. But I don’t want it to be just about my books. I want it to be a journal type thing too. Or like Sex and the City, where it was advice inside of the column, but it was also like a journal. Not sure why that’s in my head when I think of it because there are many amazing bloggers out there, but I think it’s because the idea is easily understood. It was an advice column, based on life and personal problems.

Part of it is a lot of the bashing most deal with so I am prepared to remove the option to comment if I get too many. That can easily take an emotional toll on me. I’m hyper sensitive to harsh judgement. I’m not frail though, but some does weigh on me. One day I could have a ton of folks putting me down, personally attacking, and it won’t touch me one bit. The next I can have one attack, and wanna hide under the covers. But I do believe it’s important right now for any of us who can open up via video, blog, or whatever, to do so. This world has been dealing with too many hate and anger filled words. People wanting to attack, scream fake. Can’t even have a conversation without someone going, “give me sources,” and that screams of distrust. It’s rampant. I’m truly disgusted with it, but I am incapable of giving up on people. When I first began on Facebook in 2009 or whatever it was, nobody chit chatted. More so w strangers. I’m good at opening strangers up, getting people to talk, healing people around me. I need to not hide from that. We can bring hope. When we lose hope, what do we have? I’ve seen darkness. Been through it too. Still I refuse to allow this world to make me cold, to make me give up, to make me hostile toward others. I am love. I have always been love. Does that make people angry? Yes, yes it does. I forgive. I love. I respect. I fail daily sometimes on that. But my gosh do I refuse to be how cold people demand.

I’m not you. Simple.

I wish more people understood that. I wish more people accepted me for that. As I am. Not as they want me to be. I find so few truly do. They say they do, but really do they? If I do A. If I do B. I’m old-fashioned, I’m traditional, I’m kind, I’m generally gentle, I sing stupid songs constantly to my dogs, I’m obnoxiously happy most of the time, I like who I am. But yeah, if I get annoyed, irritated, tired, I’m gonna accidentally lash out. I try not to. I try to bite my tongue, or explain myself in better ways, but sometimes it gets too much and *pop* I go. The fiery redhead comes out, which later I regret because that’s the version of me who loses people. Who fails.

I want to be open about that. Authentic in who I share here. I’ll be judged. I’ll be critiqued. I’ll probably be hated more than the devil himself, just because of who I am. That I’m aware of and actually fine with. I just don’t want to HEAR it. I truly hate when people think I need to see it or have gross stuff read to me. And occasionally I get that. Stop it. People don’t need to hear all about how others hate them. We know.

Nobody is universally liked. Great quote by Jeffrey Marsh. I’ll repeat it – nobody is universally liked. We are too self aware (most of us) not to be fully aware that people don’t like us, but having someone come say, “ooooo this person said x,” is drama inducing. I delete, I don’t listen, I remove myself from those things. Nope, nada, not interested. I get it. Filling my head with “more information,” to “stay informed,” doesn’t actually mentally help me. It doesn’t help you. It makes us cold. Wisdom doesn’t come from just reading and reading, and seeing the hate. It makes us as bad as the ones who wanna turn this world dark and cold.

And sorry, but this little ray of sunshine is gonna remain. You wanna see my personality? Watch Jennifer Garner. Watch Sandra Bullock. Watch Julia Roberts. More so Jennifer Garner, lol. That’s what I’m like. This isn’t a front. I am a goofy, happy, bubbly person. When I start to show that cold and angry side, or act hyper insecure? That’s when I’m focused more outside myself, than inside. I learned long ago “staying informed,” is different than learning about the world. Different energy.

So my goal is to find out who I am. I know who I am deep down – traditional, old-fashioned, homemaker girl. But I want to know her. I’ve fought that side of me. Life around me has told me, “be a career woman! Focus on you, you, you,” and not in a good way, hence the quotes. No matter what I ever say, it’s never with a negative connotation unless I make that clear. I would too. Because like that above, there are some women who are career driven who are incredibly amazing women. Just like there are stay at home moms who are also incredibly wise and brilliant. And there is the same for a mix. So no, I’ve never put someone down for their life choices and being themselves. But I’ve been pushed to go, go, go, go, and socialize go out, have fun, but when I did? I was miserable. I have feared saying this is who I am, and truly embraced that me. Something happens when we do though. When we accept ourselves, and we learn to be happier with us? Our world around us changes. It becomes happier.

I’ve noticed also that many love to point out the, “oh I’ve been doing that for YEARS,” “uh, this is new? I’ve known about this forever.” Or how about, “duh,” to put it simply? We are condescended to. Put down, belittled. Told all abut how they’re superior, forgetting that another’s life experiences are different. Doesn’t make us dumber, doesn’t make them inferior. It makes us different. Comments like to suggest someone is dumb because, “we learned that back in school,” not realizing that if someone has a memory issue, they might have actually forgotten things. Not everyone remembers everything they learned back in school. Or perhaps they had something occur where they had to quit school, couldn’t attend as good of school. Condescending for then their “willful ignorance.” We don’t know what we don’t know. Compassion goes a long way. Someone doesn’t know that there are things they don’t know until they are ready to learn and see it. You can bring a person all across the world and nothing will register unless they are at a place to actively take the information in. I will also put it simply – people are being snobs lately.

They are completely ridiculing others and not realizing that they need to look into the mirror. That is our only problem. Not someone else’s education, not someone else’s beliefs.

We are the problem. What we see in the mirror is the only control we have.

Few can admit that. I see things turning though. More people seeing that they need a little readjustment. I did. I have. I’m working on it too. Right alongside everyone else. When I have a lesson I learn, I look back on all that I did previous and sometimes? I actually cry. I cry over reactions I had that I know are wrong, or that were wrong to do and hurtful. I wanna slap myself for things I’ve said or done that I had no right to. I didn’t know any better so I try to forgive myself, but that doesn’t mean I don’t wanna slap myself, lol.

I had lost friendships these past few years that I still struggle with. I struggle hard with wanting to tell them how sorry I am for my behavior at times, but then respecting their choice to have moved on so don’t want to reach out to harass someone who doesn’t want to be bothered. I struggle with moments of regret for behaviors of mine once I have learned the wisdom and seen how wrong certain actions were. That now I can’t apologize for because they’re gone, passed away, we lost touch and there’s no chance of that. I struggle with a lot and use that as my guide daily for doing better. I learn from those past mistakes and use them to guide me into better actions tomorrow.

I see that in a lot of people right now. The self-awareness that is growing and I hope to see more of it. Because as I’ve had to learn more and more the past few years, there is nobody but us. It’s not “their” fault. It’s not “their” choice. It’s ours. We don’t get a say in someone else’s behavior, how they live, what they do. Only us.

I purposely renamed the blog (shows on the side of the blog when on desktop) journey through life. Maybe one of my hardest lessons to face is me. Accepting myself to the point that others have no choice but to. Like in manifesting they teach that we are our biggest problem. What is within us shows outside in our world. Like a hoarder – that is what is inside of them. It’s not a person who wants “stuff,” but that the emotional interior is showing in their exterior. Not to put them down, it’s just an example. I’m committing to trying to accept myself more. Not the me that others want, not the me others hope to change me into (sorry, that will never happen), but to look in the mirror and accept the reflection there. I’m committing to sharing the ridiculous little things that I love, even when others find it dumb that I enjoy it. Not a template of how the world wants me. Not a “how it’s done,” version of me as a writer. My books are coming out of ME. I don’t do “popular,” so I have to focus on that. If I’m in the books, I need to be in my site, too. In this blog.

First? I need to get back into blogging. And in that too? Comes learning that being a quiet happy girl? Is just who I am. I don’t need to be THAT girl (whoever that girl is) that the world thinks I should be, to be accepted. I am accepted. As I am. By those who genuinely want me for me and love me just as I am.

Like my pack does. They want all my goofy dumb songs daily. They wag their tail at my ridiculousness, and beg for more of it. Who wouldn’t be happy being surrounded by energy like that?

The world tells us daily what we need to be happy. What we need to be happy is what makes our soul happy. That face below, and that asking for me? That makes my soul happy. Nothing compares to unconditional love.

Mila last night wanting some momma time. (November 17, 2019)

Here are a few things that make my soul happy off the top of my head.

  • That face above. Cuddling with her in my bed first thing in the morning.
  • Taking care of my family – cooking for them, cleaning the house (also is for me there, lol), all of that stuff.
  • Writing books
  • Talking to my best friend. Especially when I need to vent, and all she does is listen.
  • Singing ridiculous songs to my dogs to make them wag their tail
  • Decorating for the holidays. Decorating the house in general for a calm, clean, peaceful environment.

What are some things that make your soul happy? Lemme know down below in the comments.

Kendra having a hard life – November 2019

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