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Still waiting

I didn’t want to list the new version of The Culling Cycle until it was completely delisted from all the other retailers. I have already pulled it from Amazon (that retailer I’m doing anyway with my work – you’ll find out why later) and Smashwords, buuuuuttt I wanted to be sure it was completely taken down from everywhere before relisting it under the new title. It’s effectively the same book so I didn’t want any issues with what could be considered multiple uploads.

Retailers are okay with book club versions (created with book clubs in mind), extended versions (I still take down the old to be good girl), and multiple formats, but they don’t look too kindly to just uploading multiple books of the same title and such. Which is completely understandable because that’s ridiculous. Using different retail sites is okay, but multiple uploads of the same book and version on one retail site? No, no. Just, no.

So I’m still waiting on OverDrive to delist the former title before I can upload the new version with new IBSN, cover, and such.

I also realized that with Smashwords, you can’t manage multiple pen names (and my name two different ways is effectively 2 different pen names) on one account. Which leaves two different options.

1) is to make a new account for the full version of my name or
2) upgrade to publisher account

I had planned on creating my own publishing title once I hit a certain amount of sales in the future so I would end up having to do that anyway. But for me, it doesn’t make much sense in creating more than one account for my name. AND that I plan to upload a free book under an old pen name JUST to act as a middle ground. So if someone hunts for that author name again, they’ll see inside that it IS me, and I’ve changed names. Might be a couple free stories. Dunno. That much I haven’t worked out.

As for Smashwords, I have already used my full name as publisher for other retail sites so creating a “publisher” account and making that the main name wouldn’t be too much shift on my books people purchase anyway. I’m not sure how Smashwords publisher accounts work, but I will have to adjust a bunch of things so I may do that over the weekend. I won’t be able to upload the new Time of the Chosen until I do that over at Smashwords. At least on that particular site.

Why am I being open about this, my plans, etc.?

My new version of being open is to be clear about everything I’m doing with work. People will critique the hell out of me. They always have. They always have with you. I was telling my partner recently that I was having a moment because I noticed that so many people will try things and start things and it’s total support. In my world it’s been the opposite. I tell people what I am gonna do and effectively find myself knocked down harder and harder. I have had to fight to be where I’m at. For some I am not in a good place. For me, I am not in the ground and I am still breathing so I am in a good place.

But I’m tired of the people who pedestal themselves (or me). The only difference between me and someone else? I have the courage to be open. I am open about my life. I would be open about much more than even I am right now with the person in my life, but for now there are some things that until that person is comfy with herself, I’m not gonna be open about. Only because I don’t want to force the person I love into an uncomfortable situation or conversation with anyone who doesn’t know her circumstances. If I happen to mention something she hasn’t told them about.

Otherwise I’m so proud of her, I’d be open about her too. I am, to a point. I am generally a bit more private when it comes to the life of those around me though because it’s not my story/business to tell their own private things. Just like there is a lot of my private life I do keep private just for that reason. So it’s private. You will never hear about my sex life. Lemme tell ya that much straight up. lol I don’t even put it in my work casually.

But what I’ve grown exhausted of is the constant attacks. Fine. If people want to critique me? Then critique me for what the hell I’m achieving and trying while they aren’t. Critique me and harass me for actually trying something new. For actually attempting to switch how I do stuff and help others, or inspire others to try it too.

There are a lot of backseat commenters these days. Auto assumers. Shift blame people. If I mess up? I will be the first to berate myself. Reeeaally don’t need others to tell me the thousands of things that already have gone through my head, and probably are on repeat. I will be the first to say this is how I did. Just like I have with my pen names. I didn’t mess up, but I do take responsibility for changing them and losing readers because of it. People think though that over the years one has to be attacked again and again and again for it. I know this. I am a trauma and abuse survivor. I hate the word survivor. Like calling myself a rape survivor? I didn’t survive it, I lived it. I experienced it. I went through it. I didn’t survive sexual abuse. I did survive getting thrown down on the floor and choked until I couldn’t breathe as a child.

I am open about stuff because it helps me. I was shamed into silence my whole life. It’s how they win. Bullies, abusers, narcissists. They win with our silence. They win with us thing we need to stop talking about it, to be quiet. To hide in shame. To feel shamed. For some of us that is not the path that heals us.

Guess what? Ya wanna shame me? Critique me? Fine. Go for it.

At least I’m trying, instead of sitting on my butt telling someone NOT to do something or the thousands of ways they’re wrong for it. Oh yeah I know, that one person doing it is different. Except not so much. Like the other day I was attacked for calling a young girl “articulate.” I can understand where the person was coming from when they explained, but really. Judging me from their life experience and what they’d seen? Effectively the same as people saying it’s the right’s fault, the left. People who say that? Saying literally the same as everyone else.

Get new material.

Try boosting morale and inspiring people to change by being a better person. And no, I don’t mean using that as an excuse to look down your high and mighty arrogant self-righteous nose at them either. I mean see people individually. Ask them questions before auto guessing you know it all. Be more open and curious about them, and life. Take the five extra minutes to ask a question and have a conversation.

What I wanna inspire you to do? Is to try. To attempt something new. To see how I fail, try something else, make a mistake, and try something else, but keep fighting. I WANT to make it with a writing career. I WANT to say to all those who shamed me and abused me that I made something of myself when they didn’t think I could. I WANT to make a career out of writing by myself, for myself, and for the person I love more than anything else in the world. Because those things matter to me. Helping you once I’ve made it is my goal. Helping you now is my goal. Getting better at telling good stories is my goal. Being a better person every day is my goal. Being a better friend and partner are goals. Being a better human being is my goal.

One day I want to use whatever success I gain to help people get started. I will donate resources to those who are serious, into having free help. Because I have fought like hell to get to where I’m at. By myself I had to find and do all this, find the people to help me, practically beg for help, suck up pride, take a ton of hits against my ego and fail over and over again, and keep getting up.

Finally it seems to be paying off, even if in the tiniest whisper of progress, and one day I want to be able to find those who just need that boost that my best friend/editor gave me. The one hand to finally reach out and say I’ll help.

So yuppers I will be open about what I’m doing, and why. Because it helps people.

And I like to help people.

And if people wanna dislike me for it, hate me for it, critique me for it, berate me for what I do?

If that makes you happy? Go right ahead. Been called some pretty nasty names to my face. Screamed at in my face, hit, slapped, choked, abused, shamed, trolled, and plenty more. *shrugs* I’m still standing and I won’t ever treat someone as cruelly. Even those who did all that to me. I have the power to too. I choose to be kind. Doesn’t mean I can’t stand up for myself, but as I’ve learned it is way too easy to go the negative road. I was once mean to people because I didn’t want to address my own pain inside and face it. So I redirected onto others.

It really is true – hurt people hurt others. Takes a lot more courage and strength to be kind to people, especially in the face of such ugliness. I still choose kind. Sometimes being kind means walking away, ignoring, locking. Because I’ll be kind to myself in those instances and not waste personal energy trying to change someone else, and I certainly don’t have to prove anything to people like that.

Choose where you put your energy and what energy you want to flow into the world. Kindness breeds more kindness. Cruelty breeds more cruelty. You don’t heal pain with hatred and cruelty. And now, it’s not kind to let people walk all over you either. That’s being cruel to self. Don’t have to be mean, but be kind to yourself too and be firm.

That’s real love.

We need more of that. Authentic love. Not conditional.


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Thanks for stopping by, reading, and commenting! P.S. I'm NOT the radio Kim.

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