Figured I should write this while in a positive mood versus negative, lol. Positive Kim is yay! Negative Kim is I hate the world. What good is it? lol You relate well I know.
Partly the positive is this –
*squeals* and it was posted two days after my birthday? How did I miss this wondrousness?!
They always make me happy to listen to. Something else hit me this morning that really brought me clarity. It was something that I read. A realization came from that. The realization that we’re protected. Whether we see it. Whether we realize it. We are being protected. From ourselves, from pain, from a sh*t ton of things we aren’t meant to be doing. Whether it be right now, or in general.
We are shrouded in a love that we don’t see and maybe at times we don’t feel, but it’s there. I am not a person who is all about God in the traditional sense. I don’t go to church, I don’t do daily bible practices. I don’t have a name for whatever is out there, I just have been noticing something the past few years. There is something there. One thing that I’ve done which has helped me in my toughest times isn’t even praying to God as much as I talk to my dad. I don’t tell everyone that (guess I am now), but I do. My dad passed away in 2001.
My dad was my rock in the chaos. My calming place. My center point. He helped to guide me and when I needed an ear, he listened and that was it. Partly why I have always been grateful for the friendship I found in Colin. Outside of everything else with him and I that friendship is the foundation that held me. Ever since the first day that I began to talk to him. Not even sure he understands how powerful of force that is.
My father gave me that directional point when I needed it. That safety net. That place to fall with no judgement. He taught me that when you love, you just love. Being generous without expectation, tell that person the way you feel now, all of it.
So it can obviously be understood as to why he’s still my go to point. No matter what, I talk to him. He gives me that grounding point if I don’t have one. They always say you can’t love another until you love yourself, and I agree with those now who say that’s not right. Sometimes we need someone else to love us harder than we do, and in those moments we can’t love ourselves, or we don’t, to show us that we ARE loveable. Even at our worst, we can be loved. Not abandoned.
It it not wrong to love someone and have them leave you. It is wrong of that person to leave us and not tell us why, or where they’re at, or leave us in silence. It’s not wrong for that partner to marry their sweetheart and love them completely, and have the person walk out. No. It is wrong of the person who says they love us? To condition it. To walk out without a word. To tell us unless you’re blank, I can’t love you.
I’ll have people want to say, “so if he’s beating me, I should love him?!” One, love doesn’t always stop with physical violence. We can still love them. However, if someone reads these words and sys to themselves, “well clearly she’s for domestic violence,” wow. Just, wow. I have to ask, where is YOUR mind if that’s what you’re gleaning from this? What makes you believe someone is for physical violence? Common sense and all.
Moving on before thoughts like that get on my nerves. Some individuals just want to see hate and negative in everything. It’s where they come from. I mean in their mind, not a place. I’ve been there, I understand that. Still annoys me, lol. Honestly I still battle that. Every minute I am at that cliff. I am with every breath, choosing to take a step back, or step forward. Until someone has been in that darkness, it’s hard to understand how it is always there. Every word, every action. That may be the one that makes us step off the cliff.
To love means to love. That’s it. It does mean having boundaries, it means it’s an action too. Boundaries say, “I love you, but I love me too.” Not more. Not less. Just that we are both worth loving, but I need to ensure I am okay, as much as I ensure you are. Sometimes it means pulling back slightly. Sometimes it means walking away. Sometimes it means holding on more than you ever have before. Every experience is different. Every person is. Every minute is. What works in one situation may not in another.
But love? It’s always there. It always surrounds us. Whether we realize it or not we are shrouded in it. We are smothered in it. I’ll use an example. Take the woman who is absolutely furious with her husband. She is finally done with the marriage and decides that is is going to drive home, and leave him.
Suddenly her engine died. Fine she says. I’ll call a cab. None are to be found. Or the cab accidentally takes her somewhere that makes her sit for a while. Everything seems against her! Why is nothing for her?! She’s done with this marriage!
Suddenly while stuck in traffic and not going anywhere, a song comes on the radio that reminds her of their first date. In that one minute, she realizes with a lil give, she can change the entire marriage and then things become great again. Or, she gets mad at the cab driver, gets out, bumps into an old friend. They go out to grab a coffee to catch up, suddenly she remembers why she loves her husband. Or, she finds a new interest. I could go on.
We think things are so solid. So predictable. So in our control, but through writing my books, through reading about energy, about quantum entanglements, about all sorts of things I’ve learned more. Not all, just more. We do have free will. But there is also a guide out there. This morning it hit me how shrouded in love we are and we don’t ever see it.
Many might say, oh yeah? Then why the disease?! Why crashes?! Why such and such. One – free will. Two – redirection. Three – sometimes we need to suffer. The whole dark and light, love and hate, yin and yang. In our worst times we see who is there for us. We cannot be protected from ourselves to that degree. We can be protected to the point that we’re given opportunities to see the chances to change. The opportunities to change our path. The chances to see what is there, what we can change, where to go from here.
That is what love is all about. Loving people sometimes enough to let them fall, to hurt themselves, to make mistakes, to decide for themselves where they’ll go.
The hardest part about being in that dark hole is that we don’t see it. When I’m struggling? The LAST thing I’m thinking is, “oooo I’m surrounded by love.” Which is why I’m learning to anticipate and prevent, versus go that deep down into the darkness. Does it always work? No. We can only do so much. Life gets overwhelming. It’s okay. It’s okay to fall. It’s okay not to want to get back up. It’s okay to be tired. It’s okay to be soul deep worn down and want to quit.
You only have to get back up. One more time.
Not have everything figured out. Not have everything perfect. You don’t have to be perfect. You only have to dust yourself off and stand back up one more time than you fall.
That may be it. That may be the last time. That may not.
That’s okay too.
You don’t have to BE ____ to be loved. You are loved. You don’t have to do things perfectly to be worth something. You ARE worth something. You ARE valuable. This life?
It wouldn’t be the same without you.
Think I’m lying? What about that driver you smiled at? That lil girl you did? That nurse you said thank you to. That may have been the first one she’s heard all week. You just made her job worth it. You mattered.
That may be the only time all month someone has been seen. You touch more lives than you will ever understand. You touch more hearts than you ever see.
You are worth it.
You are more loved than you can ever imagine.
You only have to get back up that one more time.
That may be the moment your entire life changes. That paycheck you’ve been waiting for comes in. The job promotion. The baby. The marriage. The love. The friends. The home. [Insert what you want here.]
I understand how exhausted someone can be in that point. I understand wanting to give up. Wanting to give into that darkness. What would this world be without you? Life is never easy for any of us. It’s tiring. We hurt. We are worn down to the nub.
We are surrounded by more love than we will ever know. We are not as alone as we think. Even in our darkest moments.
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