Wasn’t sure if it’d be today or tomorrow. Didn’t sleep well last night so that too was a concern. How well would my brain work? lol I have been on a nice emotional ride with this darn story. A lot of moments here and there where I would tear up, so then on top of lack of sleep from last night it was more of that and all I could think to myself was, “ugh, can I just stop crying?” haha
Not entirely sure why this particular book has hit me so much. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe as I get older as I’ve suspected, I’m more in touch with my gentler side so yeah, the emotions are a bit more intense. I don’t really want to say heightened because it’s not a lack of control over them as much as things touch me more, and in deeper ways now. The more loving side of my personality is the one showing these days. I blame Colin partly for that, lol.
That man. Ever since I freakin’ first began chatting with him, it’s like I had zero walls up against him. He is a person who sees past all the mess and like Jeanie, has just always completely accepted me so I didn’t feel a need for the walls to be up. I didn’t feel that need to be at war. I was able to be more myself and still accepted, mess and all, so those defenses and shields against the emotions slowly settled.
It happened too after I Kendra had her puppies. When I had to take care of Kona and the others, when I didn’t sleep for days on end, and I had to put aside everything me and focus entirely on raising these puppies (who originally my mom planned to sell) for the owners who’d take them home. I’d put everything me aside and focused on raising incredible puppies so that whoever took them home would have wonderful pets. It was similar in that there was no ability to defend against those feelings. Almost like when moms get pregnant and they deal with those hormones and the body adapting for that baby. No matter what, they change. Same with any parent. Well, the ones who do change. I know some parents who had children and still very much were partiers.
There’s that shift inside of a person when they know they can love openly and pour everything into that life whether it a new puppy, a new kitten, child, partner, best friend, anything. Those walls start to come down. A maturity tends to happen with that growth. Maturity that deep down helps the person open up.
I think that’s what’s been happening for a bit now, especially the past few years with me. So as much as I’d like to say it’s one thing or another, I also think it’s a combination. For a long time I’ve had to fight. Hide those emotions. People would shame me for them, criticize me, and attack when I’d show that softer side. It’s taken me a very long time to understand that it’s actually a weakness to hold back. It’s a weakness to always be “strong,” and not simply put the shield down and say, “I’m tired.” Or, “I am dealing with insecurities.”
In truth, it’s not a weakness to feel or to admit that we’re not always put together and not always strong. It takes true strength to admit to vulnerabilities or to allow ourselves to be vulnerable.
It’s interesting when you look at many people these days too. It seems there is such strength in screaming and yelling, but it’s not true. I know this because I’ve been there. I’ve been in that place where I thought I was so tough and so brave because I didn’t let anyone in. That I wouldn’t allow myself to be part of a we. I thought I am independent and need nobody so I am STRONG.
It takes a level of bravery and maturity, a level of responsibility to another person and their feelings and life, that I think in truth I was afraid of. I wasn’t strong being independent and not needing anyone. Keeping those real feelings bottled up? Those deep fears that went way beneath the snarky screaming attitude ones? The smug ones? The ones where I had to actually look inside of my own dang self and even see what I really felt, needed, and wanted, and identify those things? Express them?
Do you know what is really hard about that? We can’t blame others anymore. I was abused so I place responsibility for some of that on the abusers. I’m learning that I didn’t say, “hey come abuse me and destroy my esteem!” I mean obviously I didn’t, but when victimized by people as a child, one becomes a beacon for abusers. They take on that responsibility and it’s another level of shame we deal with.
But where my life goes? That’s up to me. How I am now? How I treat people? Whether I look my dark sh*t in the eye and fix it? So I can move on and grow a new life? That is on me. The abusers have stopped. It’s like if you’re punched and continuously tell people daily you were punched again and again and again and–you get the point. If you’re not doing anything inside and bettering your life and self, learning from it, growing from it, then simply screaming into the void that you’ve been punched is what being a victim is all about. You’ll never stop. The abusers still control you.
Some want to live in that state. It gets comfortable. Getting out of that state isn’t comfortable. Not. at. all.
Ask how many nights I’ve cried myself to sleep. Ask how many times my stomach has turned to liquid because when I get stressed it hits my face (helllooooo breakouts – yugh) and my stomach. I can get the shakes. I may not sleep well at night. PTSD is triggered. Which then grows more of the same because without sleep we don’t heal. We don’t think right. We don’t have the faculties to figure our sh*t out. It’s far too easy at that point not to look at self and instead to place blame on others for how we feel. But that is allowing them rent in our head. Control over our own emotional state. Nobody controls us but us. We can say others do, but whether we scream at someone for something they say? Up to us. Not another person.
It takes a lot of work and effort to stop, take a breath, and then react to something. Not emote all over the place. It takes real hard work to realize that even if someone says we are absolute cr*p, it’s up to us to tell them the same back. Up to us to tell them off. Up to us to feel the discomfort and move on, or continue it on and on. Or, try to understand why they say it, why they feel that way, how they can feel that way.
Take a friend saying something that upsets us. I can get triggered by lots of things, very easily. Who is at fault for what comes next? I am. Say a friend forgets our birthday. That is upsetting (for those who enjoy them). Did they intentionally forget? Of course not. Did they intentionally try to hurt us in forgetting? No. Most don’t intentionally set out to hurt another. Not even trolls. Interestingly enough, I have actually had a few great conversations with men who’d hoped to troll me. I remember one even thanking me for the great conversation with someone who had a differing opinion.
So take that birthday example. We can react, or we can try to understand. One separates us more. One brings us closer and deepens the connection. How we react determines what happens with that relationship. How we allow ourselves to react and the words we use next, determines what we think of that person deep down, and shows more about us than them. If I screamed at my best friend for forgetting my birthday, think of what it says about me, not them. That says I value something else more than the dynamic between them and I. Definitely not them.
We don’t want to send that message to anyone. It’s not healthy. It’s not a mature way to handle things with anyone. That level of growth and change requires (absolutely requires) the ability to lose control. To allow the other person to see through to our most vulnerable selves. The parts of us that are scared lil’ infants. The ability to be comfortable with discomfort. Because only when we are in that state of discomfort are we growing. That’s where real growth occurs. For some it means doing things outside of themselves. For others who want the maturity inside and to work on relationships, it means emotional discomfort. We’re effectively going to have to realize that we are not always going to be able to control how the other person reacts. We’re going to have a lot of disquiet inside as we navigate the new self we are building.
That’s a place I’ve been in for quite a while. Now I see when I go through these times, what is really happening. I am healing. I am growing. I am maturing. One thing that happens with that maturity for me personally? Is the side of who I’ve been that I’ve kept on lockdown for a long time. She is only just now emerging. The more loving and gentler natured person. People often confuse vulnerability with weakness. That tears means a person lacks control and blah de blah. We’ve heard it all.
Yet there is a release that happens when those tears come. A purge that even men need. It heals us. Same as when we’re sick and we sweat like crazy. Our body needs that release. Only when we finally do open up? When we finally do begin to drop those walls? It’s that much harder to be as cold as we used to be. We become what some may think of as “sensitive,” but it’s just that we learn to appreciate those moment and live in that love, and yeah, we may cry that much easier. Or tear up.
I remember thinking it kinda silly that some would cry at Christmas commercials. *raises hand* Hi. Yes. Yes, I now do. haha There’s so much love in them, it doesn’t matter about it being “marketing,” for my brain. My brain associates it with the love in my own life, my dogs, and then *sniffs* oh my gawd this is sweettt. *sniffs* lol
So of course when I put myself into a character? Oh yeah, I am feeling that depth of love (I’ll refer to this story as the example) for the dragons as Nala does. I feel the intensity of the moment with her. And *eyes water* as I write.
So lemme tell ya as a former “I am independent and need nobody, I don’t cry at SILLY Christmas commercials!” girl? It’s perfectly okay to cry while you write. lol You know why? Because whatever you’re feeling goes into the story. And it will be absorbed by the reader. They will feel it too. So we’ll make everyone cry basically! I’m only kidding of course. Maybe.
Also it brings depth to what you’re writing. Though you may not wanna erm . . . have others see you while you write or edit something like that because they’ll wonder if you’re okay. lol
I finished this book at – 91,592 words. Been a long time since I finished at such a high level. In edits it may go longer. Usually does. I underwrite in the writing stage.
Tomorrow and next week I will be preparing myself to write the next book. I think I will end up jumping into the challenge of working on that doppelganger story I mentioned.
In other news. I love this comedian.
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