Beware the hellhounds who lurk in the shadows for they are so hungry, and you are so tasty.

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Quiet somber day

Just feels like it, doesn’t it? All the posts honoring the fallen and showing gratitude for them, for their families, all of it. It’s been nice to see the quiet reflective atmosphere halt all the rest for a minute. I haven’t lost anyone who was in the military close to me, but it does usually bring up thoughts of my father since he was in the military, and I lost him. (Two separate things.) I sometimes think about if he had died in war, or while serving in general, how I’d feel on this day. Would I want the world to continuously focus on his loss that way? What if I lost him on this day and it had nothing to do with that?

So I never really know how to handle it for others and just try to treat it like any other day. It’s how it is when I near my father’s passing. For some I think perhaps they’re more like my mother and want that reflection and attention on the loss day. For others I think they’re more like my brother and I. We don’t crave that oh hey, this happened to you today, right? Same with the families of 9/11. My father passed just a few weeks prior to that so when they world reflects on that, I go into this place inside thinking how the world is reflective of that, but I lost my father around that time too and he doesn’t get that sort of honor and reflection. Not to take away from those families like my loss is greater, or theirs is, I mean it in that I consider all those like me who also have lost family around now.

While the world reflects on specific groups, it leaves out those who also have lost at that time. They’re just as important. All loss of life is a big deal, even the loss of a pet. That one alone can tear me in half for months. I remember a few years ago when I lost 4 pets in one year. As soon as I began to feel as if I had solid ground under me and I could stop crying myself to sleep, I lost another pet. I lost a lot.

So I think at times like these that it is also important to remember that 1 – there are people out there who may not enjoy that reminder of the loss. And 2 – there are others who have lost family on this day that aren’t being honored. I find myself often doing that these days. Reflecting on the viewpoint of the others around me. Reflecting is in my nature I suppose. Seeing whatever it is through the lens of the opposing side. Even if that brings up a ton of different ways of looking at it.

If I’m saying something, or having a conversation with someone, I think about how my words are affecting their feelings. I try to consider how things I say or do, will reflect to them. If they tell me something, I consider what they’re telling me and think about how it must feels for them. I try to I put myself in the shoes of others a lot more often. Like if I say I need someone to do something for me, I would consider beforehand how hard it would be for them, or what I’m asking of them. I would think about what position I’m putting them in. I find myself reflective of that a lot. Not that I haven’t always been, it just seems to be heightened lately.

But then it could have to do with opening up more over the weekend. I’m usually an open book (I respect boundaries and privacy so keep that in mind when I say “open”) so it’s not that I’m not used to being open, but yeah I went a bit deeper than I have in a while. Triggered myself to have an anxiety attack in the middle of the night, but instead of judging myself and seeing it as wrong, I now see it as a barometer. It tells me how I’m doing overall in terms of all the healing I’ve been doing. It tells me when I may need to just take a little extra break to relax (I did). It tells me that I’m making a breakthrough.

That last one someone may have gone, whu? It does. I didn’t have it while in the moment. It just came out of nowhere, like oh my gawd I said that?! Even had I had it in the moment, I’m starting to learn that it’s not a bad thing. You have had them, I have had them, the other person has had them. It’s a natural occurrence in the brain. Chemicals, brain chemistry, etc. Personally speaking, I have experienced so much trauma in my life that it’s difficult to turn that around. Most people (we’ll say the normal brain) will see situations as one thing. A trauma brain sees it with different feelings and eyes.

Take a person who has been in the midst of war and then sent home. Do you think one dog barking is going to sound the same to you and me as it does them? Especially if they didn’t realize that one sound could trigger them? Extreme example, but it could be as simple as living in the city then country, or reverse. If I was used to one noise in the country/city, and I heard it in the other area, it’s going to mean something different. Or, here is another. I have lived in an area (I haven’t, this is just an example) where lions are a daily threat. I hear them at night. I fear them all day. I move and go to a zoo where I hear a lion roar. What do you think I’d feel?

The traumatized brain will hear and see danger. The one who has lived among lions who weren’t a threat, will simply enjoy the sound of a lion and it will be pleasant, or not even mean a thing.

That’s how the trauma brain works. Humans are a threat to my brain. (This is me now, lol.) Stick me in a room with people, I may not have any reaction whatsoever. Stick me in a room with a man who holds interest in me, my body will seize up if I sense aggression in any way. I can KNOW he won’t hurt me, but knowing and the brain’s training, are two different things. Reality has proved otherwise. Facts have shown different. I can train my brain over and over and over to see said man in example a different way. So then I can be in the room with him and be fine. Over time, with practice. With training.

Stick me in another room with another man who just so happens to look like something I have experienced in a bad way, repeat the scenario. Because my brain was trained for one thing, and healed with another, but not that one trigger.

Told you the brain fascinates me, lol. Probably a huge reason why I can be so forgiving of your issues, of your problems, of those around me. I GET it. I get trauma. I get human issues. I get being REtraumatized by a whole new set of issues to work through. My entire life I have been clawing my way out of the mud and buried all over again every few years. I’m only finally (I hope) learning the tools to keep my butt outta that freakin mud, but we never know. Goes back to the hero journey. Not all of us are meant to have it easy. I can’t help others through their pain as I’ve also been doing without understanding it firsthand. Goes back to the people who use tasers for work as my brother went through. He had to be hit with one to understand it, then allowed to use it. They do it in a safe environment, but I see the point of those exercises. So the user understands what they’re using on another.

So when I touch on certain subjects as I open up and heal, I don’t judge and smack myself about for potentially getting anxiety anymore, or having those moments. Sometimes we have to have a lil crazy moment to heal, to deepen a bond, to further strengthen ourselves.

It’s that point of pushing out of the comfort zone (I do that freakin every day with friends, my books, and this blog, lol) and into the “growth” stage (which is slightly freaky most days), but not so far past we hit the panic zone. I’ve hit the panic zone too much over the years and now I see why I was thrown back deep inside of myself. The people I tried to involve myself with didn’t listen, didn’t hear me for what I needed, so when I came out of the comfort zone and into the discomfort/growth” zone, they sent me into the panic and reeling back into must reheal, stay in shell mode.

For a long time it was hard. I kept blaming myself. Why do I attract this? Am I ever going to get better? What is wrong with me? Will I ever find love? Friends? A normal, calm life? That was probably one of the hardest parts of it for me. I’d gotten to the point I accepted that my struggle may be too hard for people around me so I wouldn’t have close friends. Now I’ve been getting to the point that I understand and accept that part, but also know I deserve people who can. Jeanie has shown me over the years that yes, someone can hear your story, and be there in it with you. They won’t abandon you. They won’t tell you, “it’s too hard,” and selfishly leave you in the mud while you’re sitting there crying and climbing out. They’ll sit on the mud bank and support you knowing you can pull yourself out, but if you need them to offer a boost, they’ll give it however you need. Healthy. A lot of it I know comes from having learned to figure out what it is I do need.

We can’t expect people to mind read. We can’t expect them to just generously give and it be right. They have to know how. We need to figure it out for ourselves, then give them the tools to help us help ourselves, and not cross into the “you fix me,” territory. Mine was never that. Mine was always “I can do it myself,” because I have been. I got used to taking care of myself so stopped bothering to ask for anything, or “need,” because we’re taught “need,” is bad. But it’s not. We all need people, things, stuff. So maybe that’s also been the difference. That probably has been a huge part of it. I have learned through the years and with Jeanie’s help, but mostly going within and trying to figure it out for myself, what it is I need, and then SAYING it.

As I told Colin the other night, that was what I was truly sorry for. I didn’t know how to communicate what I needed, and when he triggered me when we first got to know one another, I went into fight or flight mode. Oh speaking of. I watched this over the weekend. It’s another step in there that I have also dealt with. Very important to share. The freeze mode. I won’t delve into that, but still I will share the video right now.

What I needed to learn most was the communication factor. I’ve stifled it for years because when you’re physically abused as a child for opening your mouth, it becomes beyond difficult as an adult to open your mouth and speak. Goes to that video above. I’d also been surrounded by those strong personalities and as a quiet and sweet girl, you can imagine they overpowered me. It was hard even among friends to SPEAK up for what I wanted, and needed. I’m pretty amiable and go along with most people because I am not that hard to please so it wasn’t always like that.

(Sidenote – Again, when I speak of these people as I have mentioned before, most were not BAD people, I don’t speak ill. I could speak kind words about anyone who hurt me. But I also won’t hide from speaking about the ones who did hurt me even if not intentionally. And not all were “bad.” A lot more to unpack, but I think you get the point. I also had a couple wonderful friends in there.)

But when I did disagree it was immediate shut down. As an adult I have finally been learning to speak up. Which has been a huge help for me. No, that doesn’t mean, “you a-hole!” kinda of talking. I’m talking about using my words. “I feel ___ when you ___ because ____.” Good old vulnerable openness. lol Or, “I need ____”

Leaving it at that. Be direct, but vulnerable. Good way to say it. Be open and authentic. You first, not blame them first. It may feel weak, but it’s strength. Strong people are courageous and open about their feelings. I may not feel strong when I write blogs like these, but it’s not easy either. It’s not easy for me to be open. It’s not easy for me to communicate needs and wants. It’s not easy for me to even say I love you to people, knowing that I am risking a lot. I have been trained that love is pain. So for me, I am taking years of abuse and pain, and risking more when I tell someone I love them. I am taking a huge chance when I open up to anyone.

Some are worth it. You get a sense though on how to feel people out. I am hyper aware of people and their energy whether online or dealing with them face to face. I think most trauma victims can do that. I’m sure you can. We want to pretend that it’s not true in this society. We want to try to say, “oh that’s not real,” but here’s what I’ve learned. It’s real? If you are. Far too many try to be someone they aren’t. They hide themselves. Think of the people you may meet at the bar. The guy is great for a year until he gets a ring on that finger. Then suddenly? Ya find the dead body in the basement. What? Writer. lol My brain took me down that guy with the temper to a serial killer, then merged, haha.

We never know who we are dealing with. The people who abused me come across as the most amazing people on earth. They hide the bad stuff. I tell you my bad stuff, haha. There is perfect, then there is “this seems too perfect,” and they hide the bad. As I have learned through (and take this from someone who has mostly only known the bad for most of her life) much self reflection, much reflection in general, I do believe in the good of people. I remember Dennis Prager saying that he wonders if Anne Frank as an adult would have had the same sentiment that she had as a child. That people are basically good.

I have seen the bad in the world. I have seen the good in the world. I have had someone throw me down as a child and choke me until I couldn’t breathe, just because I interrupted the TV show they were watching. I have had someone tell me they loved me then slapped me in the next minute. People are not perfect. Nobody is only good, or only bad. I am cerainly not without my own faults. I am certainly not always a good patient and kind person. I learn, I grow, I apologize. People do the best they can.

And I still believe most people are good and kind individuals. As I reflect on that a lot, in my painful moments I may argue that. When I’ve been hurt, I may want the world to burn in hell. But overall, I do still see people as nothing more than humans doing the best they can, and that the majority of them are decent, kind, individuals. I give anyone a chance. I trust my heart (after struggling sometimes to). I trust, period.

No matter how much bad we see in the world, the moment we stop taking that risk with people the bad side has won. Should we be careful? Absolutely. Don’t rush anything. Feel out, take time. But also don’t just automatically expect the worst. Gosh I have seen that so much with people. All I hear is I am too afraid to open up and POTENTIALLY get hurt.

Many today are having to reflect on those bad moments, but there are good too. There are lessons to learn in the bad moment. Gratitude that can be learned. I’ll just use my father so I don’t cross a line though I may have with someone already. With my father’s passing, I learned that if I want to express love, NOW is when to do it. And I’m tearing up. NOW is what matter. Today, right now. We have NOW. IF you love them, tell them. If you want to do something the world doesn’t consider normal, and you’re willing to take a risk? Do it. (With caution, lol.) But more so it’s the feelings for me. LOVE them. Now. SHOW them. Now. While you can. While they are there. Generously. Unconditionally. Even if they don’t offer it in return. Love them with everything inside of you and then some.

Nobody has that next breathe promised to them.

By the way – FINAL WEEK,

I still have my freebies up if you want to grab a copy of one of the books, or you have a friend who may like to check it out – Free until end of May If you’d like to, and still offer something, you’re welcome to donate a dollar or something to Patreon too. As I’ve mentioned previously, I just don’t have the personal energy, let alone time, to keep up with tiers so for now that is on hold. I do have a few things up on there though right now. I will have to update Patreon with the information too.

ALSO – there’s this

Today’s numbers for Creations of the Galaxy.

Words at last post – 65,335 words

Current word count as of today – 66,260 words

Total words written since last post – 925 words

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