In my head, as I wrote that about the perceived free society yesterday (Trust has been on my mind) I knew it may get under the skin of some people, but until this afternoon, I didn’t really consider it. One of those things where you are aware, but yet not? Then it hit me this afternoon how triggering for some it could end up being. Some may rage against the notion itself. Some may get angry that I come across complacent.

I’ve experienced plenty of that. Some may agree, disagree, not even care. But it did happen to hit me that I set myself up the more open I am about my thinking in that way, for a lot of harassment. I was considering whether or not I was ready for it. I was considering how I would feel about it. I’m fully cognizant of the fact that it may already be happening. I can promise there is a group, whether small or large, who simply read these blogs or my books, and they adamantly hate me. We all experience that.

Being in the public eye as I am, it will get worse. The more exposure I get, my books get, the worse it will get. The negative will affect me far worse than the positive. It’s in my nature and I’m sure many of you can relate. Many are like me, in that we could have a million positive comments and that one negative will just get under our skin. I am understanding of it. I am understanding of people. Doesn’t mean it won’t completely mean nothing to me. It’s not about wanting to be universally liked. I never have been. I think it’d be weird for anyone to have that amount of confidence that they truly believe something like that. Or it may be interesting to meet them. Ask them what life is like. Maybe it’s good for them? Who knows. I have always been outside the groups. Rarely fit in, or they like me in the beginning, then get to know the real depth of my thoughts and how “out there,” they can seem, and suddenly well now I don’t like you because you make me think too much. You provoke me too much. Or, I just don’t like you. In school I was the “nice/sweet girl,” so most did like me. As adults, they do if it remains shallow. Not again, that there aren’t exceptions. I’m admittedly focusing on negative right now.

Just like me stating that none of us are truly free in society. I didn’t say we don’t have the free will to do as we please. But there will be certainly people who come along years later and might see that blog and suddenly blow up at me for it. They might scream about how I’m a “philosopher,” and don’t go to war to push my ideas and attack others. That I allow this person to be President, or it’s all my fault that we have the person in office that we do. BECAUSE OF ME.

Anyone who has followed me saw how attacked I was on a Facebook post in which I stated clearly I don’t care who you vote for, I will love you regardless and support whatever decision you choose. I got full on attacked for being responsible for all that is effectively going on in the world, lol. Calm down people. I have been blamed all my life by abusive people for everything. It took me many many many years of hard work to finally see through that wow, I was in fact not responsible for anyone but me. If someone was a shit to another person and they were a family member? I, in fact, was not responsible. Nor, are you. If a friend of mine did something another didn’t like. It was in fact not my responsibility.

So for years upon years I battled until someone helped me by being sarcastic and stating, that’s right, every decision they make is on you. You’re responsible for everything they do. Don’t think that was the exact way she put it, but she understood the abuse I’d gone through and the mental ways that it can affect a person. So most of my life I always thought (also because people made it so) that me, though I was nothing more than a child, was responsible for the actions of the adults around me.

Until one day I realized . . . I wasn’t. I wasn’t responsible for the actions another took. I wasn’t responsible for the thoughts another had. I wasn’t responsible for people being angry and cruel to another.

A friend named Dawn, had said to me once, “I am responsible for what I say, you are responsible for how you take it.” (Or what you hear.)

That too had come in around that time. And we are responsible for the things we say. We are responsible for the things we do. But if someone else gets that crazed over what we say, what we do. Guess who is responsible? That doesn’t include the “exception to the rule,” of trolls purposely going out of their way to invoke that response. That doesn’t include those abusive and manipulative for doing it on purpose.

You’re intelligent enough to understand that, and understand I don’t include that. But it’s true. If I state something like I did yesterday and someone gets screaming angry at me without just asking for more information and attempting to understand where I’m coming from, what I meant fully by it? Guess who isn’t responsible for them getting that furious over one human’s thoughts? And guess who is responsibility for the judgment? As a writer I will provoke unintentionally. Stories that I write will piss people off to no end. Or, they will love me because finally someone gets how they think. Maybe it’s why I’m slowly finding myself not as interesting in being online. That I’m pulling back more from social networks.

Maybe some part of me knows that I am on that verge where suddenly I am going to have a lot more attention. And as I’ve said plentifully. I don’t read reviews because it gets in my head. Praise or criticisms are the same for me. The occasional, “I love your book!” and explanation of why? LOVE it. I am beyond grateful to those of you who reach out. But I don’t go hunting for it. Never google my name. Never hunt down reviews. Never try to find all of you who may have read my book. Nope. Not for me. I don’t want that filling my head because I find it affects me. The more I focus on negative the more I tend to want to give up. I learned when I first began mind you. The more I focus on positive? The more I tend to stop pushing myself to learn more, to try harder, to get better. Because there is this snootiness if you will, that gets in there.

I know what I can handle. I know what I can’t. I absolutely adore those of you who read these blogs and am beyond grateful to you. I may likely remember your names if I see comments years from now too. Friends I have had, things they’ve said? Ten years from now? I may actually be able to recite it back to you. That’s what it means to me. Those random letters that I get about my books, the comments on the blog. I do allow them all right now, I just have it so IF I get a bad link, spam, or one that isn’t for me, I can delete.

It did get a little in my head earlier though. I don’t like people to misunderstand me. I’ve been misunderstood all my life. It’s rare that people have truly seen me, where I’m coming from, who I am. Very rare. Not sure why. For whatever reason my intentions have been misconstrued. It’s like people have been taught that good folks don’t exist to the point that they always presume people are out for the bad. I think the rare time I ever did that? Oh yeah, it ate me up more than it could’ve ever hurt the other person.

But I do admit I may struggle with that. As much as I am also the type who is all, “I don’t give a f*ck what you think!” And all fiery redhead girl? I am also gentle by nature. I wanna always see the good in people so when I get the reverse thrown at me, like I’m purposely being evil, or setting out to be mean to others? That can really get under my skin. You see me still here though. I think resilience is the reason. Resilience is what most writers need.

When I first began writing I didn’t do so well with editing, with the writing, with any part of it. I had no guidelines for myself, and like most who don’t know what they don’t know, not all of my beginning years were good. I made many mistakes in the first 3-5 years. Learned, fell on my face, and even had some very very bad emails, but I’d read a few terrible reviews which for me in such a beginner’s stage, taught me how the negative can affect me. I’ve always been that way with negative though. Even being around someone angry can make me physically sick. That’s why I’m generally peaceful, happy, and prefer harmony.

There were some days though in the beginning years that I honestly felt like giving up. I don’t mean casual feeling. I mean I was done. I was all, I can’t do this. I suck. I won’t ever make anything of this. I can’t do this. On and on the negative rolled through me. What happened?

I grabbed my pathetic little whimpering self inside, hefted her up, tears and all, and I went searching for an editor who would potentially help me. Who could essentially take pity on me, lol. The one I had disappeared. Didn’t learn until later she had passed away. That was when I found Jeanie. It took years of us going back and forth, telling her to be as hard on me as she wanted. I wasn’t going anywhere. No matter what she said to me, I may have to have a moment to process it and feel miserable, but I wasn’t going anywhere. I promised her nothing she could say about the work would make me stop. Because she wasn’t sure how hard to be on me so we had to work on that trust.

She was hard on me. Just as I asked. She still is. She knew I could do better, and I could put out better work, so she stuck with me, and in figurative terms, kicked me down again and again until finally I learned to avoid the foot coming at me. lol I had the image of one of those fighting movies where the kid keeps getting beat up until one day he finally takes the teacher to the mat. ahaha

Anyhoo, I worked hard. I kept getting back up and trying harder. Kept taking classes to better whatever aspect I needed. I did grammar lessons, she taught me too. I learned to do covers. It was persistence and resilience that kept me going. It still is. It’s the biggest things that I think any of us need in life.

Persistence. Resilience.

Effectively the same thing. It’s not a thick skin. You say something mean to me? It will hurt. I may even cry. I freakin cry over too much these days from being in touch with that emotional side of me now, lol. Don’t show me a Christmas commercial all lovely and such. smh lol But then I get up and keep going.

So if people wanna share my words to be all, “look at this! This is the idiots of THIS planet we live on. Is it any wonder whatever whatever?” Okay. If it gives them something to focus on. If it keeps them from attacking someone who can’t take it. If it keeps them feeling good. That’s fine. Not like I can stop people from being triggered or adamantly hating me. You can’t. I can’t. Nobody can.

It’s whether we focus on that to our detriment. If we hold back because of the potential for that. If I stop writing because someone is gonna get mad at me, or someone is going make a fit over one sentence, or one clipped word to fit what they wanna push? Eh.

We can’t allow those things to hold us back. That goes back to my authentic and raw comment I made on that blog too. We need people who show that yes, we’re vulnerable and gentle, and kind, but that doesn’t mean we’re gonna sit idly by and be quiet. That’s what many have misunderstood about me.

Like those folks who went off on me for “not caring” about anything on the FB post I made. They took it to another level and said I wouldn’t care if my right to this was taken away?! Or that was taken away?! It was people like me who allowed this president to be chosen. People like me who were HORRIBLE for women’s right because I sat idly by and did NOTHING while people took control. I’m curious where those same folks are? On Facebook on their “friends only,” posts screaming about the injustices of people? On Twitter screaming all about the idiots of the world and blocking the ones who disagree?

The real change doesn’t come about because we’re sharing stuff on social media, just to friends. Change doesn’t happen because we are constantly down the throats of other people while avoiding our own mess sitting there in the sink. It’s people like that who try to silence folks like me because they might realize too. Real change happens quietly behind the scenes. It’s not always brash and in your face. It’s the one book we read, one article that sparks something inside of us.

Hey, it may even be someone getting furious over something I write. I mean there’s that too. That’s okay. If it helps anyone, I’m happy. Even if it takes someone hating me. Cool.

Many writers have been doing that for a very long time. Either the one who instigates via a small newspaper they write, share, and suddenly the news spreads. Either the book someone picks up and says . . . hey, I can write like this. Or, this is horrible, I can do better than this! Maybe it’s a book that teaches us a literal skill. Some learn simply from reading. I’ve experienced those who don’t believe people can, but some actually can. Some need that physical aspect also involved. Some need to watch another do it.

We never truly know what impact something we say, or write, will have until after it happens. I’m not sure if we’re ever prepared for what comes, either. We can think we are, but consider a parent who reads all sorts of baby books, then has the baby who defies all that knowledge? Consider the same for a pet. Consider the same for anything we learn. No matter how much we presume to know about anything, someone will know something else about it that we don’t.

Not only do we need more authenticity, but we need more accountability and openness. Personal accountability, mind you. Not point the finger and blame them. Them is not in charge of how we feel. Them can’t type up my book for me if I want it typed up by me. Them can’t force us to sit idly by and be silent. Them can’t stop us from getting out of bed every day and deciding to. We need to be more open and questioning. Not demanding. Questions from a learning space.

Questions that help us understand.

What is that quote. “First seek to understand, then seek to be understood.”

Not only should we have more authentic, raw, vulnerability, but we should embrace more openness, understanding, personal accountability. At least that is something I’m focused on.

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