The past week and a half has been a big one. I ended up having to stop writing because Law of the Beast needed my entire focus. My brain was struggling to focus on the edits. Partially from exhaustion, but also from the eye pain I was dealing with. I basically overdosed on moisturizing drops during the weekend. They aren’t as bad today, but there is that tiniest amount of dryness in the corners. Who knows, as time goes on, I may have to get a more serious moisturizing medication for the eyes and work harder to keep them healthy.

For me it’ll be homeopathic. I don’t like like “meds,” and my body doesn’t respond to them well. Anything too fake in that way, I can’t. Back when I was a teen and I struggled with IBS from stress, I had a moment where I’d tried a medication that turned me into a zombie. Literally. I could barely move, barely think, and wouldn’t you know my mom had me meeting some “son” of her friend. In my mind I was having that tiniest of moments saying to myself, oh god, this is embarassing. I thiiinnkkk that medication was Donna PB. That one came after a looonnnnggggg list of methods to try to “fix,” me rather than them asking . . . is it stress? Is this kid under a lot of stress? As an adult it progressed with everything I went through into PTSD.

So from experience, I learned my body doesn’t respond to medications unless I want to be dead on a log. I won’t think, I won’t do much except be a lump. I’m too hyper sensitive to the side effects as I’ve mentioned many times in this site. (This is not medical advice.) So for me I learned natural methods work. Probably gonna be the case for my eyes if the dryness keeps up. The ones I use right now because I had them are called Refresh Gel Drops. But I’ll look into other stuff too. These we had because my brother had an eye ulcer and needed an OTC eye moisturizer. We keep it for the dogs now. After I bathe the Shih Tzus I usually drop a drop in their eyes to protect them from any drying shampoo that may have gotten into their eyes.

I sent Law of The Beast off on Friday. Jeanie let me know she was able to download it today and should be getting to it by the time this posts. I have Birth of a Princess next to me on the desk, which is the next in the series/world so that is the one I am about to start inputting edits into. I made my own little easel to put the papers on so that I don’t have to constantly look down, then up, then down, then up. It’s hard on the neck, it’s hard on the eyes, and it makes me SO freakin dizzy.

Not sure how long this one will take. Shouldn’t be too long. I don’t think I have THAT many changes to do in it, but it’s also not as long as Law of the Beast is. Law of the Beast is probably the longest in the Ky series.

The Friday before last, I also reached out to someone I’ve mentioned on here. I was basically scared shitless to do so. lol Told him so too. I was honestly scared he may not even remember me, not wanna hear from me, you name it. Just all those fears ya know? All those worries. All those concerns. No telling how someone would feel to hear from us. From experience, it hasn’t always been good for me. So expectation was in the dumps pretty much. But the pull to contact him was too strong. So I’d checked to see if I still had his digits somewhere, prayed I was doing the right thing, prayed that I didn’t end up embarrassing the ever living hell outta myself, then sent him a text to even see if that number was still him. I don’t usually do that, which is probably part of the fear too? I’m good at convincing myself of the negatives.

I had told Jeanie that week before that there had to be a reason that even after all this time he was there. Not just the love I always had for him. That, when gained, doesn’t go for me. I never stop loving friends, family, anyone. When I say I love you? It’s forever. It’s this lifetime and the many after. It doesn’t leave you, you will have it. I’ve also stated how I don’t hold grudges. Even the creepy neighbor that when I grew up used to catcall me? I don’t hold grudges with him because he’s old. What good does that do? I’m not “besties,” with him, but no. There is a point we need to let go. Let go of grudges, forgive, move past.

Even when people break my trust. I will get ANGRY in the moment, but then I talk about it, and eventually move past it. Sometimes I give them another chance, but I do always remember. People may say not to trust another again after they break it, but again. What does that do for us? We sit around and BECOME mistrusting. We sit around and refuse to forgive. People don’t set out to hurt us unless they are really bad people. They unintentionally break trust. They unintentionally hurt us.

Maybe yes, in the moment someone might think, “I want you dead,” and then react. We are human. I don’t know a soul on this earth that can say well I NEVER react. I’m perfect. Ya, how’s that going for ya? I’m sure even Buddha had his moments, lol. We can’t hold people to standards that we can’t even handle. And no, I cannot say I never break trust or am perfect. I can’t say that I would never lie to someone because then if they’re sick and I want them to feel better, I’m not likely to tell them wow, you look like the dead walking. It is not in my nature to be cruel, and even more now that I’ve grown, that I went through what I went through a few years ago. Even every day I am still learning to give more grace because I ask . . . what if it were the reverse? Would I want forgiveness? Would I want ___?

That is how I treat people. I understand where people come from more and that they aren’t intentionally setting out to screw up our life. And if they are, it’s not who they are forever. They may have just had a moment. So I do try to see it through their eyes as much as my own now, if not more on their side. If I’m wronged, it hurts. I am so freakin sensitive now. I am crying at happy little videos of sweet moments. I cry at sweet texts. I cry at expressions of love that touch me. haha You can call me a bad name I’m not gonna be bothered, but you tell me you love me, I may cry. lol DON’T be showing me no sweet Christmas commercials. I mean it. GAWD. *gives evil eye*

That is something that I hope to see more of after all of this. Appreciation and gratitude. Not just for life, but people. Learn, change how you allow someone the chance to hurt you if you like, maybe not give them as ample opportunity, but don’t outright hate them forever. Don’t outright place a wall around you and your heart. Don’t REFUSE to ever forgive people.

Doesn’t even mean you have to allow every single person in your life. I certainly have no qualms about not allowing my ex in my life. I have boundaries and that is okay too. But there are reasons why I won’t. Like, he raped me. Do I wish him ill? No. Do I set out daily to be cruel? Uh, no. I just let it go, but won’t say his name, won’t acknowledge him outside of things like this, and won’t allow him in my life. Other than that, I have no ill in me for him. So does forgiving people mean EVERY single literal one of them have to be in your life? Does it mean treat EVERY single literal person with happiness and unicorns? No. Absolutely not. Anyone who actually reads “forgive people,” as hey if they put your head through a wall, love up on them, needs to ask why that’s what they’re taking from this. Why do they go toward the negative forces and want to cut down other who are offering this idea? Or, why is it that they want to cut down the person saying something like this. I have seen that too much. Especially if I post it on FB or someone else does somewhere. They always get those comments and it makes me wonder why that’s where the focus lies for people like that.

One of those things I like to try to understand. I guess a lot of it is just where their focus lies. In the negative versus positive? Who knows.

Either way, I did listen to that voice within me that I always do. That pull within and it worked out. I used to work so hard to convince myself NOT to reach out. To move on. To let it go. To let the past stay in the past, but that one. That one was not to be left in my past. I had thought when I mentioned him previously that I missed him. I had thought that it would be nice to reconnect. I underestimated it. I underestimated how hard I had locked him down in my heart. How deep I’d placed him inside so that I wouldn’t feel the full effect. Because I think I did. I think I had locked him away in a place that nothing but the “shallow,” could touch. When I wrote that post saying that I knew I’d been an asshole to him (I told him that too) at times, I missed him and I had said I wished one day we’d get back in contact. I hoped somehow we would.

What I told him I found interesting though? I used to delete my messages. On FB, in texts, everything, everywhere. Back then I didn’t keep stuff. But there were a couple of his. Only a few. One of which had his number. I was flabbergasted. Anyone who knows me knows that I do believe in stuff like that now because after all I’ve experienced, I can’t not. That was part of why I was going, okay. I’ll happily look like an idiot. I expect to. These things fail for me typically which is why I don’t do them. I would take a chance. I was SCARED to reach out.

That chance paid off. In bigger ways that I expected it to. I forgot what it was like to have him around. I forgot how much I missed him.

So far so good. What I hope for more is that our paths coincide for a long long time. Neither of us knows where life is gonna lead this path. We both have an idea I’d say of where we want it to. But as I’ve learned too is that any of us can make 100 percent solid concrete plans and tomorrow you or I get hit by a bus and the plans change. So that’s why I say I hope that our paths aren’t meant to diverge again. It was good for us though. Those breaks aren’t always meant to break. They’re sometimes meant to strengthen and teach lessens, to teach appreciation.

Like what we’re dealing with in the world right now. This isn’t a break meant to destroy. It’s meant to strengthen, to grow, to form deeper appreciation and gratitude. To show us what we have, to teach us to truly have gratitude for what we’re blessed with. Even when we struggle, it’s not meant to destroy us. It’s not meant to be forever. Not the struggle. The appreciation though? Maybe that can be forever. The love we learn. That too can be forever.

And love? Love is one of those things we all need an abundance of. That being said, I’ll share this if you haven’t checked him out on YouTube yet. John Krasinski is freakin ADORABLE, and funny. lol We could all use some good news. 🙂 ❤

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