A huge part of being afraid to open up and be vulnerable is that the other side struggles to hear us. Plenty are open to listening us, but with intentions behind it. Say, listening to answer. Listening to offer a fix. Listening to judge. Listening only to then push us off on another, “you should get help for that,” as in, you’re broken and you really need help, but I don’t want to deal with this.
When in reality the most important thing any of us need is to be heard. That’s it. Just be open to listening to understand. Not to offer a fix. Not to judge us. Not to do anything but allow us a moment to vent that pent up stress.
None of us need to be fixed. There’s nothing wrong with any of us. I already hear those wanting to add in, “Except for a person who would abuse a child. Except for a person who …”
Because that goes right back to someone can’t just HEAR us when we vent. They want to offer advice. They want to do many things but take in what we say and that’s it. They want to know the answer and be sanctimonious. Nothing more. Many people really would benefit from that alone. Listening. The other person doing nothing more than saying, “I can relate.” As in, I understand you. Or, if there is no response, a simple, “I don’t know how to respond, but I am glad you opened up and let it out.” Things of that nature. Maybe said better, but still. It’s okay not to have any clue what to say. That is far better than a lot of the time receiving, “hugs,” because that kinda goes back to the person not always hearing us. At least I feel that a lot. I’ll feel they just want to appease and they’re not really there. It’s a half-hearted attempt? Does that make sense? Maybe to someone it will.
I admit I struggle with only wanting to do that too. I don’t always know what to say, but I’m trying to get better about it. I’m attempting to be better at catching myself.
I don’t mean to be rude or insult people because I know they care. I have those times too. I will begin to offer help, but really it’s giving advice that people don’t always ask for, and honestly we don’t need. When in those same shoes maybe we think we need it, but that’s searching for information outside of ourselves. It’s still us attempting to search for that band-aid to put on a wound instead of truly addressing what may be causing it, and then fixing it ourselves. Or, healing it.
I’ve been thinking lately about depression. This is a controversial topic to speak on, but be aware I am fully conscious of it. I have been in that depth of darkness, which can contribute to people thinking that when I say I’m lonely feeling, or sad, or anything in those “negative,” realms that I’m back into that dark place. If I were? There is a good chance I will disappear. I know I’m not myself during those times so I completely will retreat within and disappear until I’ve rode that wave. I’m not telling people that I’m sad and lonely feeling. That’s just a temporary state I’m in, much like depression.
The controversial belief I have regarding depression is that it’s not something that most who think (or are told) that they need medication for, do. Before I go on, I will include this right here –
Major legal disclaimer. I am not a doctor, I don’t claim to be one. This is not medical advice. I don’t claim to be an expert. If you need medical advice, seek a medical professional. Or, a veterinarian if it’s for pets. Everything expressed anywhere on this blog (site, really) is truly only factual when it comes to my books, but even that shifts with time as some books get edited, then those “facts,” can become opinions on my own work. Technically. So these are strictly my views, opinions, and I don’t demand anyone to take them on, or anything. I truly hope that comes across. This is just another opinion, stated in my own way. As my blogs always are. Maybe it allows you a new way to look at things, maybe not. Maybe it helps you understand me more, maybe it doesn’t. My grammar is likely total icky on these. They are unedited and unscripted. Not meant to be “perfect.”
So please don’t feel the need to send me tons of hate mail telling me I don’t understand it, I shouldn’t force my views on people, or anything else. This is just something to think about, absorb, take in. Discard completely if it doesn’t work for you. That’s fair. I’m okay with that. I write these for who (like me) need to read it, or just to get it out. Not to force.
I don’t see depression as something that is wrong anymore. If we don’t acknowledge it? If we continue to wallow (been there in the thick of it), if we say, “Its’ not that easy,” and then say this doesnt work, that doesn’t work, I’m a failure. It’s not empowering for us. We remain in that place. And again I understand that it’s not easy. When I’m in one of those places? I can’t get out of it. I literally will rebut everything told to me in a nice, “I can’t!” way, but deep down I know I really just need time.
I have learned it will pass. It will. I have been in that dark space and I have climbed my way out enough that I know. I have been so dark I nearly took my life. I was on the verge of it. Some of us don’t have multiple episodes. Some of us do. Again, nothing wrong with us. I have begun to see depression as something different than most do.
The way I’ve begun to see it as the only way for our soul to get our attention. It is the only way for us to finally stop. Just, stop. And listen. Having a day where we feel lonely doesn’t mean we’re depressed. Having a week. Having more than a month of just struggling to make it through each day we can say we’re depressed. Admitting it can be a big deal, but I will repeat this – there is nothing wrong with you.
Society loves to attack anyone who isn’t a computer/robot. Look at introverts. How often do you hear, “you just need to get out more,” told to an introvert? How often do you hear that to extroverts? Have you considered not going out as much?
We are all different. We all have different needs. We all have different ways of coping, but one of the most powerful methods for our soul to get our attention is to finally stop us. Depression is a huge way that it can. To make us finally see our friends and ask if they work for us. When I went through a period of depression I got to see that many (almost all) of the friends I had around me weren’t real friends. As long as I gave gave gave, they thought I was great. As long as I ran to the occasional bar (play pool, not drink as I don’t drink), yay! If I went to birthday parties, Christmas get together, baby showers, woohoo!!!
The instant that I finally needed to take care of myself and stopped doing all that, which was my just trying to fit into what society said was right? *friend dust cloud* “You’ve changed. You never want to hang out anymore.” No. I was growing and didn’t see a point in being around people who didn’t fulfill me, do anything I wanted, and only wanted me around if I were chasing after their approval. Chasing after what society said would make me happy, instead of figuring it out for myself.. I was miserable and I didn’t listen so my soul finally put a stop to it. I finally was forced to check all the people around me. Did they resonate with me? Did our relationship work for both of us or was it one-sided most of the time?
I am criticized and poked fun at for being okay with just being at home. For finding happiness in blasting music and cleaning the house. Society tells me that I’m wrong, if you relate then you too are told you’re wrong. For singing songs to my dogs every day and feeling happier than I ever have, society says, “you’ll be happier if you go out, date, have fun.” But society never tells those same folks who do, “stay home and don’t go out so much, you’ll be so happy!” Noticed that?
And that is a huge reason I think we sink into depression. We get into this rhythm of belief. Listening to so many voices outside of ourselves that we begin to live that life. We don’t listen to what makes US happy. We listen to what is told will make us happy. So eventually we start to feel that heaviness. We begin to sink deeper and deeper until we have no idea we’re there. Then . . . we’re depressed.
It’s like we become these computers waiting for society to input the commands to function. Scroll social media and you see it. I’m not going to unpack that sentence. lol That will go places that will cause even more strife in this post, lol.
I’ve begun to see depression as just a way for our soul to finally get us to sit down and pause. To listen. To ask ourselves, “what makes me happy?” Some don’t make it through there. It’s not as if that is an easy process to deal with. I think it’s less depression and more those outside voices guilting us for being different, telling us we’re wrong. Telling us all those things that end up in that dark place in our mind meaning – go away forever. I’ve been there too. It’s why sometimes just having someone to vent to can heal in ways some may not understand, but those who have had that, or who write, truly get what it does. It’s infecting us inside as a disease. It’s as if we’ve held our breath for a very long time and then *breathes it out.* I mean you can do it right now to understand. Just hold your breath for an extra count than normal, then slowly release it. Feel what it does to your body. It releases that pent up stress. Having that? Is powerful.
It’s not as easy to find that right now, but I have hope that the tide is going to begin to change. More are going through a spiritual awakening so they understand how powerful it is to open up and be vulnerable like that. To find someone, or someoneS to say this is me, this is who I am, thank you for simply listening. I will tell you that if you need that you can. In the comments below, or use the firstname.lastname@example.org email address that I have. You can even say, “I just need to vent this out to someone,” in the subject. As long as it’s not gonna be about harming someone obviously, or similar, but just venting? I’m always available to listen without judgement. My emails are always private. It’s respectful and I value privacy that way.
But to go back to the original point, I was tempted to post on Facebook (I decided to turn it into this blog) that I was lonely last week. Well, it’s last week now. lol Last week-ish was when I was going to post it. So I was going to say something like this –
I have been experiencing feelings of loneliness and I don’t entirely know why. But it’s not wrong to feel that way. I don’t need to be fixed. I don’t need advice. I just wanted to say this because I know many people see me as happy, bubbly, and living in fantasy land (negative folks threw that last one in there). So I wanted to say this to show you when someone is happy all the time like I am? It is because when I feel this sort of negative feeling, I embrace it, I let it happen, I flow with it knowing that it will continue to flow and go back out.
I am not happy and bouncing off the walls 24/7. So to you if you feel lonely? It is okay. It is normal. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with me. We don’t need to be fixed. Everyone feels lonely sometimes. The happy housewife with tons of kids feels lonely sometimes. The business man who buys and sells companies for billions can feel lonely sometimes. The one surrounded by adoring fans and no true friends can feel lonely. The happily married couple can feel lonely. The dog at your feet can feel lonely. It is a part of being human, part of being alive.
And? There is nothing wrong with you. It will pass. It is okay to say, I feel lonely. It is okay to hear your friend say that, and not offer advice. It is okay to listen and simply say, “I get that way too sometimes. I understand.” Knowing that they will overcome it. Knowing that if they need you, they will reach out. If you haven’t told them lately, then it’s okay to remind them, if you want to talk I am hear to listen, and I genuinely mean that.
We are not robots who malfunction and need to be fixed. We are human beings who experience feelings to learn, to grow, to evolve. We’re being told something, we’re being shown things. We have to be open to listening to those things. The more you allow yourself to feel instead of running from “ew, icky feelings!” the sooner it will pass. I have been there. I used to be numb to stuff to the point that I didn’t get embarrassed by things, I didn’t cry, I didn’t feel. The less we acknowledge how we feel, when we feel, the less it may come later. The fewer times that it will sink you down into that dark dark hole that yes, I am very familiar with. I have been on the brink of suicide before. The only reason I’m here? I chose to stay in bed crying versus walking to that kitchen.
That was it. I didn’t have a special thing that saved me. I just didn’t get out of bed when another me in another realm may have. Because it’s taken me a few days to write this post, those feelings have passed. I acknowledged them when they came. I told my best friend how I felt and she didn’t say anything, only took it in and listened as she usually does for which I am always grateful. So it allowed me to release that feeling on my own, and move on from it. The most powerful thing that we can sometimes do for ourselves at time is to acknowledge how we feel. To tell someone who is capable of listening how we feel. To simply be in that moment.
It eventually moves on, just like it has for me. I’m certainly not bouncing off the walls, but I am back to regular programming. :p Haven’t been able to write though. With the changeroo of my OneDrive and emails, my brain locked down on focusing on it, not on writing so I gave myself that break. Probably wrote about 580 words give or take the past week.
Today’s numbers for Creations of the Galaxy.
Words at last post – 16,007 words
Current word count as of today – 16,087words
Total words written since last post – 80
Sign up below for updates & stay informed of . . . well, the news! When I have an announcement I think you’ll wanna know about, I’ll send a news[letter]. Otherwise I won’t fill your inbox with more noise you have to sift through. That is my promise to you. (If this is on email, feel free to just go to bit.ly/KimIversonNews to sign up if this form appears wonky. )
Check your spam occasionally if you’re missing me, and don’t forget to add email@example.com to your safe senders so you don’t.
If you’ve enjoyed this, or would love to support me in a way that isn’t buying one of my books, consider a donation. Even something as small as a dollar helps me keeps this site running, and helps me in ways I cannot explain. So thank you, thank you, thank you. You are truly appreciated and are a part of why I love to do this. One day I plan to make tiers and special gifts, but for the foreseeable future, that’s on hold.