I was an asshole . . . and I can admit that

lol I mentioned I may not be about all the time for daily blogs then it happened to be the weekend when I usually take a break from writing and the like. I’m that goooooood. Also, I completely forgot. Shhhh. I’d have mentioned it had I remembered, buuuuut I didn’t. Got super worn out too so I ended up completely veggin. Yesterday I didn’t have time to blog. I keep trying to do some paper edits on Birth of a Princess here and there on the weekends, but my brain just shut off last week, then this past weekend too. I’m in the state (Washington) with the focus on the Covid-19 virus so been keeping an eye out.

For the record, the place where the deaths have been focused is a Life Care Center. It would be a hotbed for a virus to spread. Elder care facility where most have health issues which are needing daily tending. So anyone who is familiar with the facility understands why it has been the main location. It would take very little effort for a disease to go rampant in there and cause deaths. Not that death is a good thing, but as a person who lives just down the block from my city’s Life Care Center, it’s more than understandable as to the why it spread like crazy through there. My grandmother was in one when she passed away years back.

They were kind people though. Back in that time she was there, we had a German Shepherd that I used to play frisbee with. She’d wanted to see him, so a few of the workers cleared out a hallway and helped me walk him through to the back. It was just a twenty foot walk or so. Pets weren’t allowed, but they all knew us well at that point so one of the nurses helped little 12 year old Kim sneak her German Shepherd through the building and to the back where my grandmother had a view of the “backyard,” if it could be called that. It was a strip of land along that side of the facility.

Never realized it back then, but all those others who were there were able to see me playing with him too. Maybe some who didn’t get visitors and the like so I bet that was nice for them. I’m actually tearing up thinking about it. Just warms my heart to think about how kind they were, and many of the residents too. They all knew what I was doing was technically wrong. But I remember some of them smiling, knowing exactly what I was up to, as well as the nurse helping me get Jake through. (Jacob was his full name and he was a BIG boy.) These folks care about their patients. They are incredibly kind. It’s just that it’s such a small facility compared to some that a virus gets in there that can spread easily? Hot house.

Anyhoo, no more tearing up thinking about all of that. As to the title of this. Mentioning that last week stuff had me thinking about Karma later on. I realized that years ago? I was a total asshole to someone.

Now I realize that.


Not so much then.

Karma is an interesting little thing. Some don’t believe. Some do, but maybe not understand how it fully works. I certainly don’t have all the answers and I never say I do. I just share what I’ve learned, hope it helps someone. Like when I heard Jenna Elfman say on a recent Kicking and Screaming podcast, that how to fix a situation is to think of it in terms of an electrical rod (I’m completely paraphrasing here). Bodhi was asking how to fix a situation he seemed to always be finding himself in. She said to reverse the polarity. (Because we are energetic beings that flow just like electricity.) If he didn’t like what he was always getting, he needed to change the dynamic and reverse the polarity. Say, if we find ourselves constantly being left. Okay, then how can we be a person who is not left? Or say if we find ourselves constantly being attacked by a certain type of person. How can we reverse that to be kinder to that person or avoid dealing with them? Instead of being a person it happens to, we reverse the situation by figuring out how to turn the energy in reverse. Is that making sense? lol I feel like in my mind it is, but the delivery of the written word is failing me.

I’ll describe what they were discussing. He noticed that a lot of the time when he tries to hang out with male friends of his, the wife gets angry. Jenna was explaining it may be because in a way the husband gets to go hang out a lot while the wife is always stuck at home with the children. So she said, then reverse it. instead of being the one attacked for the situation, (how he perceives it) then change it up and begin to offer the wife a chance to come along with them on their hangouts. Ask her how she is doing, involve her. Maybe there won’t be that resentment then. (Again, this is his perception of the situation.) Because then she will be involved and get to the point where she is all, “just go have fun and leave me alone, stop asking.” That sort of thing. Reverse the polarity of a situation. Instead of, “why this,” change it up and involve the other but make it a proactive measure, not some pity thing.

So that really hit me. I was like, that makes sense. Instead of seeing a situation that I experience one way, and being almost on the defensive in it? I can switcheroo the entire energetic flow and be proactive. That’s for me, why I constantly try to share information I learn, or am open about my own thoughts, situations. Then perhaps someone else may have that ohhhhhhhh, that’s a good idea! like I had hearing Jenna say that.

I’m still learning like the rest of us. Maybe that’s part of life too. We never really do have all the answers so that we’re always consistently learning. Take situations later on that we’ll have to deal with. We deal with things right now in the present so that in the future we have the tools to handle them. If we need patience later on, we deal with situations to learn patience in the current moment. That sort of thing.

In this instance though, last week’s blog (I have a filter . . . it just malfunctions . . . a lot) made me start to think about Karma and a lesson I learned through that and a previous scenario. I heard this story about a lil girl punching her sister. Then she ran off and straight into a wall. Not intentional obviously, lol. Instant karma for ya. I’ve had that happen. Cussed someone out under my breath, got really intense about how angry the situation made me. Right after? Dropped a cinnamon container and it went all over the coffee pot, behind it. I was all, whatever, I get it, but they’re still an ass. Lol I was justifying it TO karma essentially. Like come on you know they deserved that. They were being a shit to me! Karma only probably going yeah but you didn’t have to do the same behind their back. Lol

So I’ve learned what karma is in my own life. There’s instant. Examples above. But there is situational karma too. That is not as fun. Where we do something to someone, but we can’t learn it that easy. Maybe we’re just not ready to learn that lesson, we’re not open to the answers. We need to be in the shoes of that other party to truly understand our actions. Karma will repay the debt if we didn’t learn the lesson. If we’re a bit too smug, if we were an asshole.

And I? I was an asshole. And I can admit that. I was smug, I was arrogant, I was a complete asshole. To him. Now, this is taking responsibility for MY side of things. Not the entire situation itself. I take responsibility for how I treated that person in my life. I definitely loved him though, but that was part of the trouble for me I think. I’m not saying it was an excuse for the behavior, but having been abused for the majority of the beginning of my life – like 3/4 of it, I have never been taught proper ways of loving someone. Experience has shown me negatives in term of love. It still goes on, which I am part of the equation, and the reasons. I keep bringing in experiences to teach me how to properly open up, how to properly love another human being because I didn’t have that experience growing up. It takes me a lot of time and work to do what most people wake up doing daily. I fail, I relearn, I fail, I relearn, but I know that I’m getting better. I can see it in daily actions. When I tell someone that I love them, I know I’ve come a long way. when I can admit my wrongs, when I can take responsibility.

That is how I learn. If I’m still attracting situations which hurt me, I still am learning. I said I always will, but at the same time, we cannot blame another entirely for the demise of anything. That’s the problem with many these day. I have my moments too so I am NOT putting anyone down for it. But they will place the responsibility on the other part. Even in abusive relationships we are half of that equation. It’s not a bad thing. If there was one thing that truly helped me get better, it was seeing MY part in those relationship dynamics.

There’s a lot I could unpack in that previous paragraph, but I realized that would be a much longer blog, and I want to focus on this point. The situation that I mentioned in the last blog (we’re still friends as far as I’m concerned, which is why I won’t bash him, and there’s no reason to) made me far too aware of the situation from my past. The major one before it at least. It made me see the dynamics that I played out, which were far too similar with what I dealt with this past time, but in the reverse. I wasn’t the one doing them, I was the one experiencing them.

Karma.

Karma doesn’t have to be bad either. It’s just a learning lesson. I once read a quote that said nothing is good or bad until we label it as such. I find that to be true. The only “bad,” are things we decide are bad. If I have learned something valuable through whatever, then it’s good. During the process it may be bad. Eating something I don’t like that gives me a stomach ache is bad. But learning that it produces a stomach ache is good. Like that. Situations are both good and bad, and not good and bad. It’s up to us to decide.

And I have learned just what it was like to be in the shoes of that person I once dealt with. I wasn’t always an a-hole obviously, but I do see now that I should’ve communicated more. I should’ve told him just how afraid I was to love him because loving people for me = pain. When I have opened up that much to someone, I was hurt. Communication. The hardest to do, but the most worthwhile. Instead of telling him, “I’m busy.”

Again, I wasn’t always bad about that, but I do see now just how bad my BAD times were. I saw the end coming too. I felt it. The extra pushiness he got and my little mind was telling me, if you don’t fix this, you’re going to lose him. I got scared. I’m used to stalkers. His behavior turned into the similar equation. Pushy, demanding. Instead of again, communicating that to him, I froze. on the reverse side, I see that I was meant to. I was meant to go through that, then deal with this most recent event. I dealt with much of the same and I became much of that previous individual. I’d become the one pushing, demanding. And just like him, I felt it inside of me. I see now in his shoes, I’ll call him C because that’s an initial in his name. I see now that in his shoes, the demanding wasn’t meant to be demanding. It was almost that last chance inside feeling as if I didn’t love him or want him. Which wasn’t true. Granted, much of this is my own perception and he could’ve easily had his own thoughts regarding it so keep that in mind.

It wasn’t that he knew what he was doing. He didn’t know what he instilled in me – that fear and panic because for me, stalkers had been that way. He didn’t know that I’d suddenly gone back into those shoes of “I must protect myself at all costs,” self. Instead of opening up and deepening the bond, I froze out of fear knowing deep down that if I did nothing, he would walk. “They all walk so why bother?” That’s the mindset I’ve battled against from situations all my life. What I recently went through was nearly a copy of those moments, but I was put into his Cs’ shoes. So thanks to karma, I truly was able to see what I’d done, who I’d been, and the wrong of what I’d done to this person I said I loved.

We can even ask for those situations too. I swear I’d asked to see what I’d done. For a long time I did what most of us do before we learn better. I put it all on him. I’m not excusing anything on his side. There were plenty of things he did do that could be labeled wrong. But there are two people in that dynamic. Two individuals in all dynamics who have to take responsibility for the things they know they’ve done wrong. Were I capable of speaking to him I would tell him straight out, I was wrong. And I’m sorry. I know where I went wrong. I don’t wish ill on him though. *whispers* I may have in the beginning for how he showed me it was over.

But at the end of the day, even then I don’t think I did. I’m one of those who when I say I love you? It’s the deep, never-ending, never truly wishing them ill, wrong. It’s enduring. And I’m grateful for the way he loved me, and the way I was able to love him. I’m grateful for that situation, even this recent one. I’m grateful that I’d been able to know both of them, I have no, “I hate them and want them to die!” stuff in me. I can’t be that person anymore. Life has taught me too much as of late to hold that sort of anger or hate in me. If they’re happy, then I’m happy. If it wasn’t them, it will be someone else. That’s just how life works. When you’re truly ready (even if you think you are, you may not be), that person will appear. They will stay. They will not be able to be ran off.

That’s a quote that I heard too that I like. The right person? Can’t be ran off. Sometimes relationships do need to evolve without the other about. That’s happened a lot too. People always come back into my life, and we’ve seen many of those reunion love stories. I let them now. I’m not the “they’re in your past for a reason,” person. Why? Because we have to look in the mirror. We have changed. So even if they don’t seem to have changed, they have too. The situation might be the same, but everyone changes every day, even if it doesn’t seem so. If you’ve changed? They have too. Maybe you’re just not compatible anymore as what you were, but we don’t need cold. We need warmth. People grow under that sort of love. There’s nothing wrong with a relationship evolving from romantic to deep friendship. People shouldn’t be cast aside that easy. If I don’t want to be? Then it’s up to me to stop doing it too.

That I think is the biggest lesson I’ve been learning. Maybe you don’t know how to love someone right now. Maybe you and they need time apart. Space apart. Maybe you will migrate back to one another, maybe not. Maybe they were on the path to better (there is ALWAYS better whether with them, or another). That doesn’t mean that later on, you won’t learn how to love each other the way you each need. Not all of us need to love someone the same way. Sometimes that love evolves from romantic to friendship. Sometimes it evolves from friendship to romantic. Sometimes we need distance to love someone. Sometimes we need less distance. Not all are the same. We all need different things. Communication is truly important to understand the perception of another, and how they view situations, what they need. I’m trying to work on that more now. One day I do hope that he comes back into my world. One day he may or may not. I’m no longer really into the “door is shut and locked behind you,” mindset.

More like, I’ll leave the light on, we’ll see how it goes.


Today’s numbers for Creations of the Galaxy.

Words at last post – 6,002 words

Current word count as of today – 9,320 words

Total words written since last post – 3,318


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