I have a filter . . . it just malfunctions . . . a lot

One of the hardest things for me about blogging daily is you. lol I’m not kidding. I’m so reserved that I overthink the ATTENTION. Eek! They’re looking at me!! They actually want to hear what IIIII have to say. *throws covers over head*

If eyes turn toward me and focus, you’ll see my face go red. I’m not used to having people truly listening to me, remembering things I have to say, or remembering me in general. Ya know . . . focusing on me. I’m used to being overlooked. I’m the quiet girl in the background, not the one in front of everyone wanting attention. I have to fix this in me if my books pick up pace in the public eye. lol My thoughts go back into, “what right do I have to say anything? They don’t wanna hear what I have to say. There are plenty who are talking about this, they can have the floor.”

Which is actually a huge part of why I’m doing this, and trying to build up my YouTube to eventually post video blogs on. To get out of the comfort zone. I fail, I take a step back, I have to restart. The past few years I took a huge step back. I opened up my heart and they just disappeared. I had my wrongs, but without communication, I wasn’t aware of my side of it until too late, and only because I saw it myself. Had they been open, I would’ve corrected the behavior. One day it was telling me that I was their angel who was guiding them, the next it was complete silence. Literally the next day. When I tried to open communication later on, it was right back to the same things. Busy excuses and that my idea of starting over was a lot to take in.

It’s at that point when you go . . . so yeah. This isn’t going anywhere because they don’t have any interest in this going anywhere. It’s gonna constantly be me working far harder than I should. They weren’t bothering to say anything, they wanted me to do all the chasing and work in the end because when I wasn’t the one? Silence. That’s when you have your answer. If you’re the one expected to chase and prove your interest to the degree that you’re doing more than your share of effort while they’re always “busy,” but still capable of always being on Facebook, chatting up others just fine (not even from snooping, just seeing it on newsfeed – I hate snooping so don’t engage in it myself)? You have your answer. You’re not that important to them. They’re fine with you being in their life. They’re fine with you not being in your life. They won’t notice you’re there. They won’t notice you’re gone. Who knows what the future brings, but just let them go. Move on.

So because of it, my confidence level plummeted. Years I was chased and told all this wonderful stuff. Years I was told they were my future and they wanted me in their future and placed on a pedestal higher and higher. I began to go deep into the insecure needing answers mode and I’m not actually that type of person. Which funnily enough I’ve always told people that’s when you know. If you start to second guess and you’re not getting answers? You already know. I am fully aware of my bad habits, and when I get into “needy,” territory like that? You don’t need to ask that question because having to ask the question IS the answer.

I lost four pets in one year and I was already on a roller coaster of emotional turmoil during those years. So much was happening in the past five years that it was hard for me to accept it until that last time I tried to connect and I understood the truth. I don’t fault them, I don’t say I wasn’t pushing limits that in my mind I even knew I shouldn’t so I am not excusing, just taking responsibility. A lot was going on in their lives too so this isn’t “they’re a bad person!” as much as I don’t think they understood they just needed someone like me to completely open up to them and comfort them as they needed. That was all they truly wanted, nothing more. I gave them what they needed. I fulfilled the role I was meant to serve in their lives, and they for me. So now they can find who they deserve and so can I. As heartbreaking as it’s been, and as much as I’d wished it was them, I’ve accepted sometimes that is our role. We get put into those roles because we need to learn a lesson. Not a bad thing.

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, we attract what we need to heal certain parts of us. I’ve chased, I’ve been chased, I’ve experienced both in the same relationship as well (general term), but having had a great one found in my current best friend, I know that’s the type I deserve. It’s equal. There are some days I pick up the slack, some days she does, but that’s what makes it equal. Even on the unbalanced days, it evens out in the end. I know what a healthy relationship (between two people in general) is like now. Her and I still work on it daily. Because the two of us are important to each other in our lives. I don’t hate anyone in my past. Even those who I’d be fully justified in hating. Don’t hate them. I see different things with them than before.

But for the past few years my ego and my confidence backslid. I also experienced what people call sometimes a spiritual awakening. Things I cared about before, I don’t. Things I felt needed to be said, I don’t. I *zips lips* more than anything. There is an almost subdued aspect in my personality these days. Maybe I’m just in healing. Maybe in a few years my feisty side will perk back out. Dunno. I’m only just coming out of everything that happened so I need to build myself back up in that department. Most would be like, “go out, date, blah de blah.”

Not all of us work that way. I have never once been that person. I can’t force myself into being that way. I’ve tried so hard at times, lol. Eventually you go, no. I’m not conforming just to please others who it works for. Not for me. And guess what? If you struggle with people telling you to do it? It’s okay to say no, that’s not you. Not all of us work the same way as everyone else. Frankly at this point I’m not sure if I even want anything like that. I’ve yet to find anyone who wants the same as I. So for now, eh.

But I realized the other day, building up my YouTube isn’t just good in general. Building it up guides me to seeing people want to see the videos, and posting even small short clips of me in front of the camera? Is a big deal. I hate being in front of the camera. So it’s me taking a giant leap out of my comfort zone. As is continuing to post these blogs. I may not post every day. There are days I get sick of myself, lol. I don’t have thing to say, I don’t want to sit here and force writing because that’s my work, my love, and I don’t want to make it a “job.” LITERAL work.

So I’m not gonna do that, and I can’t promise to write daily because the moment I do that inner rebel inside will halt all forward progress for me. It’s that, “I’m gonna do different JUST because you said we would do it that way.” Seriously that annoys me sometimes about myself. I wish I were capable of settling and committing to daily posts like most can. They maintain that and I’m going . . . HOW?! I get so damn bored with myself! haha

For my books, I can because I built up the habit. So I know that this too is a habit I have to build. Same with posting video blogs to YouTube. I have to also get past the, “Nobody cares what IIIIII have to say. There are others they can listen to.” I don’t think I’m alone in all those thoughts though. So many deal with that sort of stuff inside their heads. Mental chatter doesn’t really stop.

Annnnddd I lost my train of thought. Had to go deal with Safeway delivery for my mom. Today has been a busy day. Laundry has me running up and down the stairs, dealing with the dogs, on and on as usual, but then the delivery too, lol. Good workout though.

Oh, but fair warning to those who have only just started to follow me. Hi! I see you and I appreciate the follow. Just know that as the title says. I have a filter . . . it just malfunctions. I have zero issues discussing anything that I’m going through. Like ya know, starting my period yesterday. I may cuss, I may get animated, I may say a lot of stupid things. I’m just open. I have a filter . . it just malfunctions. lol Because that’s the thing with me. I love to discuss everything and I’m open about everything (most things). I’m open to learning. I’m open to changing. People who don’t filter are my people. And no, I’m not referring to what we see. Attackers are not actually open people. People who condemn and put down others? Also not the same.

Open isn’t license to be an asshole. I’m not going to outright belittle someone on purpose or be crude or cruel just for attention. I share scammers, spammers, and the like to show what they’re like. Not for people to go, “oh I’m so sorrryyyyyyyyyy. kisses and hugs.” I’d rather not have “fans,” but friends. I have too may who wanna act like a “fan,” instead of just being a friend. They forget I’m human.

I have a bad habit of putting myself in the shoes of others. At the end of the day though, my opinion is the only one who truly matters to me. Took me a long time to get to that place, but as much as I value other opinions and will completely take them in, who I face in the mirror matters more at the end of the day.

I care about you and your feelings. I can be a bitch a times and mean. I can be negative. But I never (I try to at least) outright HURT someone just to hurt them. I know far too well what it is like when you get so bad off you truly feel alone in this world. Who would ever intentionally do that to another? I can come across as arrogant at times, but some have confused that as a morally superior stance. Pfft. Sanctimonious I get when angry at someone for being abusive or an asshat, but normally I tend toward the opposite. I struggle with not feeling good enough, or feeling everyone else is superior to me. Not the other way. And as you can tell, I psycho analyze myself as much as my characters. lol

I feel I’m in good company though. I know most folks who choose to follow me are similar to me. So *fist bump* I get you. We’re gonna slowly build a community of like minds here.

Welcome to the lady of feisty redhead! lol


Today’s numbers for Creations of the Galaxy.

Words at last post – 4,897 words

Current word count as of today – 6,002 words

Total words written since last post – 1,105


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