Brain didn’t cooperate. Not many words. Instead of being blase about that, I’m gonna actually go deep into that for a change. As I’ve made mention, I want to be more open. I’ve been too scared too from the folks who LOVE to tell us how to “fix” ourselves and the like. How THEY know what’s up and if we just do it that way, and live as they wish us to, it’ll ALLLLL be solved. I can be bad about that too. I’m trying to be better about it, reminding myself we don’t all have the answers. Sometimes we just need a “oh I can so relate,” kind of feeling/comment. Or someone to share their experiences to help us learn from, offer guidance, or otherwise. Not a DO THIS and it will allllllll work out! That’s what posts like these are. Me sharing, maybe you taking guidance or inspiration. Or just laughing at me. Mostly just me sharing. Not imposing. I don’t have all the answers. I’m the first to say so.
Major legal disclaimer. I am not a doctor, I don’t claim to be one. This is not medical advice. I don’t claim to be an expert. If you need medical advice, seek a medical professional. Or, a veterinarian if it’s for pets. Everything expressed anywhere on this blog (site, really) is truly only factual when it comes to my books, but even that shifts with time as some books get edited, then those “facts,” can become opinions on my own work. Technically. So these are strictly my views, opinions, and I don’t demand anyone to take them on, or anything. I truly hope that comes across. This is just another opinion, stated in my own way. As my blogs always are. Maybe it allows you a new way to look at things, maybe not. Maybe it helps you understand me more, maybe it doesn’t. My grammar is likely total icky on these. They are unedited and unscripted. Not meant to be “perfect.”
I have become pretty strict with what I engage with, what I don’t, what I won’t, and what I know better than to. I’ve been doing really good at keeping myself on that target because I know the limits of my brain, my emotions, my mental health. Been learning, been challenging myself to be better, been doing better. It’s those little things like, “turn off phone at 7:30 pm.” This keeps my brain from going into “engagement” and allows a lot of “processing,” of the little things to slowly die down so that when I start to get ready for bed around 9:30 pm, it’ll have tired itself out and want to fall asleep.
I may read for a bit before bed, or as I have been doing, I may watch a program on Amazon or Netflix for an hour, then watch some Lune Innate on YouTube (ASMR) to wind my brain down, but also because she has great lessons in her videos. About communication, about relationships (general, not just romantic), about life, and many other topics. Listening to her calming voice has been making my brain slowly transition and help me through a lot of what I was going through for the past few years so it’s become a ritual. I don’t have to listen to her, sometimes I may not. Like once a month or so I may just turn off the tablet after a movie or show. I watch the time so it’s based on the clock more. If I have to stop a movie halfway through, I stop the movie halfway through.
When I don’t, as I did last night, and broke my own rule by slipping over to my social media (Facebook) to peekaboo at comments with this conversation I was having, it’s a big fat great. I did it around 8pm, but that was enough for my brain. And on and on it went with thoughts on how to respond, then went off on its own little tangents about other things. I used to suffer from insomnia when I was a teen. So when I tell someone I get the racing mind? I GET the racing mind. I have learned to curb that by refusing to go anywhere near social media at least an hour and a half before bed. Better is two hours or more.
It’s not as much getting wound up by comments, it’s just my brain wants to reply. I have been trained all my childhood, as I had to explain to my brother the other day, to respond to questions. If not, I was punished. Not disciplined. Punished. So adult brain has this belief that it must answer all questions. It must reply or bad bad bad things happen. Turning it off and retraining that out of adult mind, and not trying to appease all, please all, bow to all, is beyond difficult.
I struggle with that. I struggle with not replying because through the years I have attracted those individuals who did still enable that attitude. Or would be “punished,” for it not being given. Causing the over giving. Not punish as in they were abusers in the same way, but we attract things to heal those parts of us. In this case those relationships (general) where I needed to be forced to place a boundary. Where I needed to learn to train that bad habit out of me. Where I needed to learn that it was okay not to always respond and jump to when someone wanted something. I attracted people who “punished” (note the quotation marks) me by effectively making it seem I was a bad person for not doing what they wanted all the time. That when I couldn’t reply, or didn’t feel something needed an answer, I was made to feel I was being neglectful. Not all moments of that were unjustified, granted. I did attract the more narcissistic personality friends to heal that over giver in me, and I’m still working on it.
I struggle with that aspect of my brain. I struggle to remind it (I think many of you relate) that in fact it does not need to answer. It does not need a reply. What I said, or didn’t say, was just fine. There is no need to continue to go over and over and over and over it. Anyone with any semblance of anxiety at this point relates. Or self confidence issues. OR self esteem issues. Hence I said I’m sure you can relate, lol. Many of us experience that sort of thing. It’s perfectly normal. It isn’t helpful if we allow it to become toxic to us.
One way I have found out that I can stop that is to limit social media exposure. Online exposure. TV exposure. I have limits and I have boundaries. I don’t indulge like crazy in any sort of digital experience like that. Outside of the binge of ASMR while editing, but even then I get so tired of it. I think my “binges” on anything of that nature is four hours in a day. Five? Don’t even know. I can’t remain in any sort of digital atmosphere without becoming utterly bored. Far too many see my “I’m a homebody,” as what most do. I sit around and watch TV, or sit about in general, but I just can’t. I get so freakin utterly bored with myself, with remaining still that I’m actually grateful for my dogs. They get me to move every few hours no matter what.
I need outside time. I need movement. There is no way I can hang about and twiddle my thumbs. It drives my brother batty. lol My family are the only ones who truly get that I am incapable of sitting still. I shouldn’t say incapable. There are people out there who ARE incapable of it. I just get bored. Sore. Tired. Sleepy. Lazy. Makes me feel icky. And that causes me to move.
That actually reminded me of being 12 in Mississippi. I couldn’t remain still to the point that when my mom slept in and we were visiting family, I went outside and just started to walk. Went past a fire house down the street, went around a corner, kept going, lol. I am known for that around where I live now. When I get walking, no telling where you’ll find me.
Random side notes I pop in all the time, lol. I write freely. Let the thoughts flow. So yeah.
Anyhoo. Thanks to my lil sidehop into Facebook last night at 8pm (NAUGHTY Kim!) my brain just wouldn’t turn off. On and on and on and on. I like to play out random little things because that’s how I have learned to curb it. Sort of like daydream, but it’s before sleep. I don’t get too animated in those thoughts. But if you have those struggling to fall asleep moments, it’s helpful if you can keep your brain from slipping off the track and back into on and on and on territory. *lassos and drags brain back* The scenes can be movie scenes, dreams I’ve had that I wanna turn into a book idea, random things to do. Anything that keeps my brain and body from going into hyper emotional territory, but focused on counting sheep essentially.
Along with those boundaries and discipline to help my brain stay on target and not go into laze land, I have those sort of rules for day too. See our brains have this far too lovely habit. It’s laziness. It’s derailment. Our bodies are the same. If we sit around, our body doesn’t wanna move. To keep us from moving? We hurt. After too much time sitting about, we will hurt. Our body will say we need more rest. Some of those times it’s lying. It wants us to rest because that’s the easy way out. But have you ever noticed that when you get it going, when you get it working, you actually don’t hurt as much as before? It might not be immediate, and this doesn’t apply to actually overworking or pushing the body so it does injure itself, but on average?
It’s the lack of movements which can cause pain. Think of someone who never moves. They sit around day in and day out. In the hospital if people are bed bound, they have nurses or PT who actually help them move. They help move the muscles because otherwise the muscles atrophy. They begin to stop working, become lazy, weaken, even die. The arms and legs curl in on themselves, the spine curls.
For someone like me, I can begin to hurt within a few hours of no movement. We can train ourselves to the point that for days we can sit around and not hurt. But when we try to exert ourselves, the heart is pumping like crazy, the pulse is flying out of control, we can feel like we are dying. Getting on a treadmill for 5 minutes? oh my god I’m dying! I’m poking fun of overweight Kim and others I know who’ve struggled, but it’s all in good fun. No harshness or meanness meant. Gotta laugh at ourselves and yes, when I was overweight and I got on a treadmill I couldn’t last more than FIVE minutes without feeling like I was about to DIE. hehe
During the day, or morning rather since that is when I write, I have become strict with things I expose myself to. I try to only pop on social media once IF at all. Mostly just checking for any emergency things. Or a little perusal, few flips of the fingers on the newsfeeds. Mostly I try not to do much because I know I may get sucked into replies. Too many wanna be sanctimonious these days too so I try to avoid for those reasons as well. I’ll get irritated and I don’t like starting my day with that. I like starting my day with good things, sunny, lovely, positive things.
I know too that I need clarity to write. Silence helps. I write in the mornings after I workout and I don’t like to listen to too many “talking,” things. Too many “advice,” things. Today I did. I got sucked into the podcast that Jenna Elfman and her husband Bodhi Elfman put out called, Kicking and Screaming. Not good Kim, not good. LOVE the podcast. I can’t listen to one without laughing my tookie off, BUT I listened to too many right up until I needed to write. Should’ve shut it down 30 minutes before and turned music on to “cleanse my palette.” Or just gone for silence for 30 minutes or a few before. Brain wanted to go here, there, everywhere, but stay focused on the writing so the numbers? Suffffaaaahhhddd.
I try to keep my brain clear of anything but music and that first little program that I watch to wake up to. An hour like at night is what I allow myself. Most are probably thinking at this point you are strict, jeebus. But I also can finish a book every 3 months when I get going. This is how. When I allow my brain to decide what to do, what it wants to, I’ll laze. I’ll allow it to do whatevs like during the weekend. Takes looonnngggggg time to do anything, finish a book, or otherwise. I feel lazy, fat, ugly, blech during the weekends. I think it’s also a benefit.
Not having any schedule during the weekends is kinda a very bad thing for my emotions, for my mental health, and now I’ve put a lil bit of limits and schedule on it for that reason. But it does deserve a lil lazin. During the week though, I keep to that schedule, and only rarely allow my brain to run rampant. Otherwise it will. It will veer off into “whateeeever, I don’t like rules,” land, and like a toddler, wanna run around getting into trouble, being naked, making me backslide into anxiety or depressive thoughts, and that’s something that I battle. Scheduling and being strict has made me a much happier individual as a whole. I’m not perfect, I battle, but that is part of why I am being so open and telling you all of this.
If you struggle? I know. I know what that is like. I know how hard it is to get that brain on track. I know how hard it is to keep it on track. I know how the body lies and says we’re better off just hanging here. Gonna be fat forever, no point. No. There is a point. See where you want to go. Make it a happy. For me that is right now a spacious ranch home (more than one floor) with enough room around me for my dogs to run around and not be harassed by neighbors who let their bratty dogs bark at the fence while they just stare at them. It’s enough room to breathe. And readers contacting me with how much they loved my books. How much they enjoyed it for whatever reason.
That’s really it. I don’t have these huge wedding thoughts. I don’t have these huge get on TV thoughts. See my name on the big screen. Have gazillions screaming my name. Massive loads of children. Thousands of relationships. I’ve learned better.
Just a nice house and yard. Then continuing to do this because it’s my happy place. So I start with what brings me peace, then slowly build out from there. I am better than I was, but not yet where I want to be. I’m not crying myself to sleep at night, thinking the world would be better off without me as 16 yr old Kim was. I am not miserable and barely making it through each day by myself, no friends little girl. I have come far, but have plenty of ways to go. So part of that isn’t just finding the schedule that works, but keeping to it.
As you’ve seen, I slip. Last night I did. This morning I did. A little, not much. Because of it, the words didn’t come. I often say, “brain didn’t wanna cooperate.” This time I thought I would go into the behind of that statement. This is sometimes why. My brains goes off into its own little playland, and I’ve allowed it. Yes, I have allowed it. Things in the days prior can contribute. Not always my fault. If I face a personal emergency I couldn’t have prevented it, but often I can. Many times I don’t share because, “well nobody wants to know what you’re dealing with Kim. They only want memes and dog pics.” Or, “nobody gives a shit, shut up.” I still deal with those sort of . . . what’s that word . . . oh, impostor syndrome thoughts. And insecure. And not good enough. And on and on. lol
Today I thought I would be a wee lil more exposed. It’s easy to see someone pumping out words as “well, they are DEFINITELY not me. I can’t do that!” Or, “I don’t have that sort of time.” And often? I will repeat. We are lying to ourselves. I used to use the “I’m too busy,” excuse. I know all about that little lie. If someone in your immediate vicinity got hurt, you still too busy? That’s how I reference it for myself, and others. If my dog starts to throw up. I’m no longer busy. That dog is my priority. We lie to ourselves. We allow those lies. There are few “it’s beyond my control,” instances. Many watch too many TV programs. Others go out too much. Others play games too much.
We have to honestly look at everything we are doing and see if there are things we do have control over that we can fix. Often there is. Often it is that one little innocent, I’ll just peek at a Facebook conversation,” (naughty Kim!) that suddenly leads to less sleep, then not so good actions the next day, less willpower, and suddenly we only have a few words, or no words that next day because the brain just can’t fire itself up and wanders. Then we’re going, “I can’t write!” Lies. I’m just as bad about that myself. We can’t lie to ourselves. Excuses drive me batty. More so the excuses I use on myself.
Off to edit so tomorrow I’m not back telling you I was naughty again.
Today’s numbers for Creations of the Galaxy.
Words at last post – 3,286 words
Current word count as of today – 3,779 words
Total words written since last post – 493
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