It’s funny. You never realize how much words can impact a person. Even now, even after all these years of writing and mine doing just that. One just never truly knows how much they can impact another person by the things they say.
Sometimes we think we’re not going to make such an impact. We think our words don’t matter. The things we say. But it’s amazing how much words can change so much. I didn’t expect that last post to matter as much as it did. Most of the time I honestly just write without much thought. Things that are in my head. One day I hope to do vlogs, but it’s so hard to find the time to sit down for such a period to just talk into a camera. Others are all, it’s not hard.
This is the same reason I rarely talk on the phone. It requires solid focus on one person. Almost every single time I’ve talked on the phone the other end has been annoyed that I had to chase down a dog or I wasn’t completely focused on them. That does something to someone so I pick and choose with people on the phone. I avoid my own family when they want to hang out on the phone at times. Yes, I’m aware I am bad bad girl, haha. This is why I write a lot. It’s easier for me to compose my thoughts beyond grunts and uh hunhs.
Again, yes, I’m terrible, I’m aware of that, lol. It’s funny when I get people wanting to troll me. There is nothing you can say to me that I haven’t said to myself. It’s why I’m such an authentic person. Because IIIIIIII will know I’m lying and IIIIIIII will feel like I’m more of a shit to you than you do for me lying to you. You can forgive me quicker than I can myself. If I say something that later on I’m going . . . you shouldn’t have said that. Sometimes I have a hard time going back. One of my hardest lessons to learn is that I can be forgiven by others. I’ll just leave them alone, even forever. If I hurt someone and they no longer talk to me, I’ll be like, okay I guess that’s for the best.
Notice I was talking about forgiveness yesterday? Yeah. My personal forgiveness is one I struggle with the most. I use these posts to talk out thoughts of mine but also I use them to offer inspiration to another who may be in my shoes. Like you make a lot of mistakes that you figure people won’t ever forgive you for. They will. It’s amazing just how much someone will forgive another for. I mean think about a person who cheats on you. Many would say, “Don’t forgive that person!” But. Yes, but. I mean are you in that individual’s shoes? Personally I think if someone cheated on me, I’d be done.
In truth, I was as a teen. I was involved with someone who was never loyal to me. As I look back, the relationship wasn’t even that genuine. He just wanted stuff from me I wouldn’t be without being his girlfriend. He wanted the benefits of that, not me. Because he was always still out there at the bar, getting drunk, wanting to hook up. Always still looking for someone else. Which contributes I’m sure to my idea that I mentioned in the previous post. I said I refused to play into these dating games where someone has multiple options and isn’t solely focused on me. I am far too serious with my heart, I won’t go into that idea of having multiple people. Nope.
When I’m interested in someone, it’s them. I don’t care if others are like, you should keep your options open. Nope. Not for me. You do you, I’ll do me. Unless someone is serious, focused on me, and knows they want to marry me, they can go over there. I’m very happy as I am and don’t HAVE to have a person there just because they are there. I want a friendship and a partner to build a life with. You don’t get those by balancing out fifty people you’re not really serious about. One doesn’t have to have these same thoughts as me. Again, this is my opinion and my life, but nobody is going to have me unless they know I’m it, they’re serious, and they want the same as me – someone to build a life with, a wife, not just a “date.” If someone would like a date, it’s very easy to go to the bar, find that. I’m not her. I’m for one guy. The next will be the man I marry. I’ve said it for years. So I’m not focused on chasing love, chasing men, having fifty dates for “fun.” That’s just not me.
So to ever say to another person, “get rid of him because he’s a cheater!” I’m not going to tell someone that. Not to mention, I’ve heard plenty of stories where people have stayed with the one who cheated and their marriage got stronger. Or their relationship in general. I think far too many don’t take individual lives into account. For me, it may well be a deal breaker, but as you can see, I’m not instantly going into the 100% sure as hell I’d be done realm. Situations change, every instance is different. Until I am in that moment, I can’t say what I’d do.
In that teen instance (I was 18) I told him I’d wished he’d just told me. He’d told me that he met someone who he really felt connected to. I don’t think she’s the one he is now married to – that was his thing, he just liked a lot of women. I have no ill will toward him though. Because he told me that, I told him I couldn’t be mad and hate him because I wanted him to be happy and if I wasn’t the person for him, then obviously there wasn’t much I could do about that. It was something around that, but even back then I preferred communication.
Even now. If someone said to me, I don’t feel you’re it. Or we’d been together for a long time and he met someone he felt more connected to and that she was it? I’d be heartbroken, but I would never stand in the way of someone finding that love. That’s not love. Blocking someone else isn’t love.
Same as judgment on another’s journey. We all have to take into each individual’s account, each individual’s journey, and try to offer advice out of love, not instant ideas of – they’re evil!!!
I’m going off on a tangent, but have found these to be the blogs that help people the most so bear with me because it’s gearing back to what Verrick is going through too. And Kylarra, lol.
Evil is subjective. Bad is too. We cannot (and I speak to myself when I say we – these are learning lessons for me too) just assume we know the heart and soul of everyone out there. Do you know the people who’ve caused me the most pain are the ones outside sources wanted me to give the chance to? They were the ones who came across as wonderful to others. Like, “why are you so mean to that sweet person,” sort of thing.
Whereas the ones who have treated me the most amazingly and been so incredibly kind, were the ones covered in tattoos, who’ve been in prison, who’ve been people who told me straight out if someone disrespected me they would’ve had them on the floor apologizing to me. If that doesn’t make one feel safe and make her heart flutter, I don’t know what would. What? I’m old-fashioned. When a man says he’d defend my honor in any way he could? That’s hot! lol (*whispers* I’m not advocating violence, but it’s still highly attractive so shush.)
The bottom line is that”general” help is just that. We can offer advice and try to tell someone our experiences, but the best advice to give to another person is when we also take a pause ourselves and look at the individual situation and not base it off “every time this has happened, this came of it so do this.” You and I are different. Our lives we’ve lived are different. So too our friends. So too our neighbors. Every single individual in that equation is equipped to handle stress and problems in a different way.
My method is usually to take time to pause and suck the hell up. After a few days, or a week, if it’s still bothering me? If I’ve addressed it before and no actions were taken to rectify the situation, then I have to put the foot down. The after is up to the person I deal with. But in more than 75% of those situations I just let shit go. It’s not being passive, it’s not conflict avoidance. It’s realizing that one year from now, it’s not going to be that big of a deal. And generally another clump of those situations a simple conversation will completely reverse the situation and I’ll be over it in a heartbeat. There is only a rare 1-5% of situations that will truly bother me and I will either separate myself for years upon years, or need space to recover. I just don’t think life should be lived hating others and spending that much energy on things that aren’t important. And yes, they aren’t important.
In time, with work, with many other things, there are so few situations that can’t be fixed. Sometimes we may need space from the person. Sometimes we may need to have limits to exposure to them. But it’s such a rare occurrence in my world where I just hold grudges. Even if I decide that the person doesn’t need my presence close to theirs, I’m not hating them. I simply know limits to how much they can have of me. If they’ll take my presence too far, or it’ll mean more than it should to them, same.
Which Verrick is dealing with right now. See? Always ties in perfectly. lol Kylarra too. She’s about to go through a phase of screw him for not giving a crap about her. The one who has her captive is going to convince Kylarra that Verrick is cheating. Today I wrote a note that said I bet he doesn’t. I haven’t written THAT scene, so dunno how it’ll play out, but knowing his admiration and adoration for Ky? Pfft, doubt it. Even out of anger, Verrick’s not going to play with someone else anymore.
But the note basically said that she’s going to be convinced Verrick does cheat. Which for Ky? Is a solid, “Oh hell no,” situation. She will tear that heart out of her chest and pray Verrick doesn’t come across her. But that’s the thing. Even if he does end up cheating, I don’t think Kylarra wouldn’t ever forgive him. She’s intelligent enough to step outside of her situation and look at it with fresh eyes. To see that for all intents and purposes, Verrick believes her dead. And with everything that’s been happening between them she may be able to see that (though it’s NO excuse) Verrick’s mind has been truly screwed over time and time again so he’s not been himself. Again, that’s NO excuse (personally hate them, it’s as bad as whining for me) but I think at the end of the day, Kylarra would ask herself which is more important? One instance that was just a physical moment, or (if Verrick opens up emotionally to her) a lifetime with her mate?
Once a cheater, always a cheater is some thoughts, right? Manifestation right there. If you think it, you believe it, you make that your reality you live in. I don’t think that’s true. People can disconnect in ways that until you’ve done it, you won’t know it’s possible. Personally no, I don’t think it’s right. I would never do it. If I had any inclination, why would I be in a relationship to begin with? I think that’s just a cop out.
It’s a choice one makes to cheat. But it’s more about the cheater than the cheated on. The cheater needed something outside of themselves. They are in the wrong, as well as the one they cheated with (if they knew they were in a partnership). But again, I think that Kylarra would honestly ask herself if that was as important as she should make it. If Verrick actually broke through those emotions and dropped the walls and let her in, I don’t think she’d make it that important.
Because that’s what it is too, isn’t it? How important do we make that one situation and moment out of our lives? If you drop a plate, are you going to live the rest of your life hating yourself for it? Of course not, it’s a plate. Even if it were an important plate, it is ONE plate. Even if memories are attached, it is ONE plate. It took half a second to break. That’s how she’d look at it I think. One tiny moment. Something tells me if Verrick cheats, it will be worse for him, than her. He’ll know he did it to spite her. He did it because he wanted to make her pay (however that would work), on and on the excuses would go. At the end of the day though, Verrick is smart enough to understand why he really would do something like that.
Because he could. He was trying to show nobody could control him, he was independent and didn’t rely on anyone! Show them all! Kylarra means little to him. *evil laugh*
And? He’d be disgusted with himself. He knows she deserves a better man. And instead of stepping up to be that one he took the easy way out to serve his pride, his ego, to save face. Rather than being the man she needed and deserved, he was purposely hiding out of his fear of being that close to her.
Which is why he’d be disgusted. He’d know there was no real reason for him doing that to himself, to the one he’d cheat with, to Kylarra most of all. No reason for him to be so disrespectful. Then his biggest fear may come true. His fear of losing her so he’d push her to the brink of leaving him. He’s so afraid to let her in and get close to her that he’s going to drive her away. Maybe that’s also why deep down he’d cheat. Verrick knows why he is keeping her away – his own fears – so he’s disgsuted with himself for not just accepting it, telling her, and working through it with her. As much work as we can do n=on ourselves, for ourselves, if we’re wanting to be in a partnership there comes a time when we have to PARTNER with that person and tell THEM what issues we have with getting close to them. It’ll bring us closer.
This isn’t saying to go off on, “I hate that you’re doing this and that.” Refer back to the forgiveness (previous) post. Verrick needs to dig deep and tell Kylarra, “I am afraid to get close to you because I’m afraid you’ll leave me.” Then she can tell him that she appreciates his honesty and then just having said as much? Is how he heals. Telling our partners about the deep down things we deal with in relation to them, having them listen to us, not judge us, and simply LISTEN to us. Do you know how important that is? How healing it is? Just to be HEARD? There is only so much we can heal on our own.
Verrick, ya big doof, you are Kylarra’s hero. And that won’t change when you confess. In truth? It’ll make you that much more of a hero to her. It doesn’t weaken us in the eyes of our partner when we open up to them. It makes us that much stronger. Being vulnerable to that person, revealing your real self.
You become the strongest person they know. The most amazing individual they’ve ever met. You become their hero. Who doesn’t want a partner who sees them as such? That’s not a false idol, or putting them on a pedestal. It’s empowering them to be their best selves. And we empower ourselves by not judging it, by listening, by accepting them for exactly who they are. Flaws and all.
Fighting ourselves and what we really want never works out, does it? Just leads to more headaches, more stress down the line, the fears increase. Sometimes Mister Verrick, we need to stand our ground and battle those monsters. Then life really blossoms and we become the best people we can be.
*featured image are the boys helping me with dinner last night. They decided to snuggle Mila. Kona is on the right, REFUSING to look up at momma. “No! I don’t want my photo taken.” Ahem. Momma may take a lot of him. lol
Kimberly Sue Iverson - Author 