It really does. I feel like I’m in a version of The Twilight Zone. I was thinking about that as I was on my way to bed last night. Or rather, trying to fall asleep after a long day where I tried to get a lot done and very little was accomplished in the grand scheme of things.
Which seems to be a huge theme right now. And I’d like to say it’s just me, but it’s not, is it? So many people keep getting behind, or not getting as much done as before. Or if they do, their lives seem to be in a flip flop state. One minute it’s the beginning of the month, the next the end. It occurred to me last night that I haven’t replied to a letter I received a couple months ago. I have every intention to every weekend, then get busy with writing, then my dogs, and suddenly it’s been 3+ months since I’ve replied.
We had yet another upheaval that happened which we’re dealing with in our house. Of course it centers on me to do the medical care around it. Last night as I was I was thinking to myself what would happen if I was the one finally in need? All this time this house and my family have always relied on me. In one way I was always the one dumped on too. They looked down on me and yet who have they always relied on when they got sick or when one of the animals have? The same one who used to be put down consistently.
This is part of why I tend to keep to myself. Once upon a time when I had a lot of close friends (and I cared to), they would be on my case because I didn’t want to hang out with them when they didn’t understand I just didn’t have the time or energy to. When dealing with sick family members one gets tired of dealing with human beings and wants me time. My me time has always been being by myself. I’m a hermit and a loner and a wild girl. Not party wild, wild as in, going out into the garden and doing my own thing is more freeing and wonderfully replenishing to my soul than any number of “coffee dates” with yet another human being wanting something from me and annoyed with me for “being so quiet” rather than just being happy that I’m there.
That’s also probably why I have gotten so close to my editor in the past 6 years and she’s become more like a sister. She has been the one person I can say, “I don’t feel like talking, I’ll chat with you in a few days,” and it’s perfectly okay. I speak my mind, she doesn’t get angry, but instead she understands. I’ve also learned through her to open up and communicate more. To express myself more. So on those days I know that I can say . . . I’m not interested in talking to anyone and she doesn’t take it personal. She knows, gimme a few days or so and I’ll be back around. I have learned that if I need a little room to breathe, to just tell someone that, and give them a time line. I’ve learned it’s okay to take that time.
Which is hard. For any of us. For the receiver of that, for the giver of that.
So many believe my quiet nature to be a weak state and I wonder if they don’t understand that I prefer peace and quiet. I’m not going to start an argument when I can quietly let it go and move on. I don’t need to scream and yell to stand up for myself when drama exhausts me. I explain things and talk, communicate. Still working on getting better at that, but I have also learned that sometimes words just aren’t enough, or there’s a point when talking no longer works. For the majority of my life I have been taking care of the people around me and for once I would love to know what it’s like to be taken care of, but that is hard for me. To freely receive and accept that sort of love is foreign to me. What’s worse is that I attract those who consistently tell me “you don’t need anyone to take care of you.”
No, I don’t. But if you’ve ever had someone give generously to you in a romantic nature than do not for one second believe you know what it’s like to be on the other foot. I have only ever been the one who took care of others. I have never had a romantic partner who took care of me. And in fact, never had one who I had anything more than surface level with. I have always taken care of myself. Have always been so independent they believed I didn’t even want them there, need them there, or that there presence was for one reason or another unwanted. I have said countless times that it isn’t the case. I simply struggle with receiving. Hopefully one day that won’t be the case. Hopefully one day I will find that partner who will never give me the “you deserve better than me,” argument and really just stay. Who’ll open up and be there for me. Talk to me. Not the one always looking for greener or who hurts me, a person I can put my faith into for a change. I am tired of fighting. I want to be the one fought for. That unfortunately is something I have not yet been able to enjoy.
Because I admit, I would like to know what that’s like. When I say, “take care of,” I don’t mean financially, I mean emotionally, physically, deeply. Soul level. I would like to find the one comfortable with accepting all the love I have to pour into them, and who would do the same for me. And no, I don’t need sympathy. I don’t need positive words of encouragement. I may well have found that, time will tell. If not, it means there is someone else out there for moi.
I am simply speaking from the heart. There is this weird idea out there right now that when someone opens up and speaks honestly that they are being “poor me,” because the person only just came across their statement. Or they are needing to be told they are wrong. Or they are needing to be told all the ways that they don’t need this or that to be happy. Who said I wasn’t happy? Just because I said I haven’t had something romantically doesn’t mean I haven’t lived with many friends around me, or known that through friendship.
Anyone who really sees me every day sees that I am laughing and smiling as I play with my dogs. Some days I am too tired to manage a smile (like right now, I didn’t sleep much so I am slug slow in processing speed, lol) but someone doesn’t have to smile 24/7 to be happy. I am deep down inside, happy and content. Not to the point that I don’t want to grow. Not to the point where I’m just twiddling my thumbs as life passes me by, but lord have people become such arrogant “Gods” in their own eyes that they truly believe they know everything and when they pass someone who says something like the above, they must inject their opinion and point out all the flaws, or how they’ve done this or that, or whatever the case may be. They feel they must inject their opinion because their opinion is the correct and only opinion.
Sometimes people just want to be listened to. Sometimes people simply have to say something that is on their mind. Sometimes people only want to open up and let things out. For no other reason than to get it out. Getting things out and opening up allows us to grow, to learn, to heal, or to simply help another person who may read it and say . . . hey, I feel the same. I know what that is like.
Too many now want to shut down stories and yet what do we all crave? Stories. So the next time you come across something that makes you instantly (I speak to myself in this case as well) want to inject an opinion, think about it. Pause and really ask yourself if what you’re about to say will help them or just add to the noise that compounds us. I understand some don’t realize what they are doing or believe they are helping, but that’s where the pause comes in. We should be more cognizant of the things we say and do. Not everyone needs to hear that sarcastic remark you’re about to make, versus a genuine comment or words that will connect instead of divide.
I know I’m being more discerning with those things. Where I invest my energy is important now. If someone approaches one of my posts, statuses, etc., with sarcasm just to be ridiculous, there is a high chance I am going to delete it or completely ignore them as nothing more than someone uninterested in a genuine connection. Doesn’t mean they’re bad people, but I don’t have to acknowledge people uninterested in connecting with me. And I’ve heard that argument, “maybe they’re just scared on how to approach you.” I’m scared of approaching certain people too. You know what I do? I approach them. Even being petrified, I’m going to approach someone. Those are excuses.
Expecting someone to hop up and down and cheer that you acknowledged them just because they did is the same as a parent forcing a child to hug an adult they don’t want to. Not everyone deserves a reaction. If a man disrespects me or another woman, I don’t have to cheer him on and smile and encourage him or be nice. He is being an asshole. No, he doesn’t deserve an acknowledgement. Just because one person waves doesn’t mean the other has to return it. Understand this: you don’t have to acknowledge anyone you don’t want to. Because many haven’t seen the crude remarks they make in your inbox while publicly they are being nice. Oh, I’ve had that too. In my inbox I was called disgusting names, while publicly they acted like a victim and why was I being so cruel so to the outsider, I was being mean and bitchy.
Dealt with it in my personal life too. Sweet to my face, behind my back told lie after lie after lie so that when I finally came up to that person, they thought I was horrible. And I never knew why until I found out the lies that’d been believed behind my back. Which in one case ruined a lifelong friendship. Because of my trust being broken that someone would believe me so cruel, they lost my friendship forever. I tried. But never again.
Then again, I have those individuals who’ll take time to really think about something I’ve shared or expressed and then give a great and insightful comment. Those are the individuals I will really try to engage with over time. Because that tells me that you are truly interested in a connection with me.
It’s the same when neighbors greet me. There are those who don’t say much, but they genuinely mean it when they ask how a person is doing and you can tell. It’s not about hearing it, it’s a feeling. They aren’t being sarcastic in their approach. They are being genuine. Same as a person you’re standing next to in line who really sees you when you talk to them and doesn’t pay more attention to some random thing. You’ll know who is truly interested in connection. Even if it’s for a brief five minutes of time out of your life. Even if it’s a lifetime friendship built from those first five minutes.
Connection is what’s needed right now. Not sarcasm and disjointedness.
And connection doesn’t mean every single person who crosses your path you must connect with. You do have to be discerning who you connect your energy to. Some will only take from you and give that energy to another. Feed into who feeds you back. Connect with those who connect with you back. Equal give and take. Sometimes that means one month you may give more but there will always be an equaling out of energy exchanged. Invest in those who invest in you. I could keep going, lol.
The quality of the person. The quality of your investment. The quality of your exchange. No more noise. Connect deeply with people.
Continuing on Monday
There yet again time disappeared. Sheesh. In the moment it can feel like it’s slow and puttery as it moves along, but then tomorrow is a month later. Creepy to say the least.
Friday more came up as you can tell by the beginning of this. Saturday I took some time to input the story I mentioned recently that I’d found out 200 pages were missing from the manuscript. I do pretty well now without looking at the keyboard so I don’t have to go back and forth with my attention. Just read down the page and type as I go. Goes along fairly quickly until my fingers get tired and are all . . . nope, not typing correctly, lol. When I’m wide awake, my fingers flow easily over the keyboard, but when tired? Hop, skip, jump about is what the letters do. Well, my fingers, but yeah.
On Saturday I also tried to return the letter of which I mentioned above. In it, he’d said something which has been on my mind. I’d spoken on how I appreciated that he’d always been honest, and truthful. Even if it hurt (though he never intentionally was mean to me I should say, he’s been pretty kind for as long as I’ve known him) in a way. He’d pointed out that “women” liked that about him, it’d been pointed out to him, and he’d brought up the fact that women tended to also bond with him because of his “bad boy” self.
In fact, I chastised him for the comment. Not him as I know what he’s like, who he is and I know that women like that about him, that women out there like bad boys. But it was that comment in the general way. About how women are drawn to bad boys. When I first began to talk to him I knew nothing about that. Nor did I keep the friendship going because of it. It was only because I’d read some of his poetry he wrote, comments on blogs of friends, and I connected with that side of him.
But I do know how women are drawn in because of bad boys. I have been around them my entire life. I grew up with those types. And it’s like I told him, only women who don’t seek stability are attracted to them. They are drawn in by the excitement. Which made me think on it after writing it. It’s true. Women who seek excitement, the guys who drive them batty, they don’t know what’s what. Those tend to be the ones who seek out the bad boys. Who are drawn in by them.
It made me ponder that too. I’ve never really been drawn in by that. No, I don’t like strict rule followers and I do tend to make friends with a lot of “bad boys,” but I think it’s more of the opposites attract philosophy because the bad boy was never the one I was romantically attracted to. Fantasize? Oh sure. But less the bad boy and more the man who went after what he wanted and would let nothing stand in his way. That was my ideal.
As I thought on what he said and what I’d said in the letter I’ll be sending him, which is also pretty may be a goodbye letter (long story but my heart isn’t a revolving door as he’s going to be told), I realized typically (and this could go in the reverse too) the women who would be attracted to the bad boys are the women who’ve led fairly bland lives (that’s the best way to put it, I don’t mean it to sound harsh). They seek excitement. The wonder of not knowing what’s next.
I don’t. For over thirty years I have never known what tomorrow will bring. There has been drama and excitement and craziness. No, I wasn’t out there partying it up, but you don’t need sex, drugs, and rock n roll, etc., to “live it up.” That excitement can come from simply not knowing if tomorrow we’ll have a roof over our head. Or if tomorrow we’re going to be slapped and cruelly thrown down on the ground and choked again just because I opened my mouth when they wanted quiet.
Personally I have had more excitement than I ever needed in a lifetime, which could be why I’m drawn in by the stable, secure, and solid presence now. Not the “I must go, go, go, and you come with!!!” person. No. That tires me to begin to think on it. I don’t mind them constantly going, going, going, but if I’m around a person I don’t know if they’re going to be there tomorrow or not? They keep their emotions silent and I never know where I stand with them? They’re surrounded by the opposite sex and expecting me to take a number? My god is that not attractive at all to me. Give me safe, reliable, stable presence man who has his shit together. Who I know wants me and only me. Who doesn’t make me question what he wants from me. The man who is secure in his home, in his work, so that I’m not going to pair up with him and then deal with headache after headache.
So let me tell you good guys who may read this. If she goes after that “bad boy” who gives her more excitement? Be glad. It means she sought more excitement (and by that I mean indecision and instability) than you could give. Which is a good thing. Who wants to worry all the time and stress over losing someone? Who wants to constantly be in a state of fear?
Trust me. Been there. So truly tired of that. You can still live an exciting life being stable, grounded, and offering security to someone. I want a depth of passion that can only come from that. Maybe also why I’m drawn in by the country. I like the slow-paced life. Sitting on the porch, hanging out in the Summer, just talking with friends. I’ll take that over the hustle and bustle of city life any day.
Very random, very tired, lol. Don’t forget to check below if you missed it the other day. 🙂
And again, I will be including this, but without all the explanation I did on this post – https://kimberlysueiverson.com/2018/05/10/got-a-glimpse-of-milas-life-to-come/ –
For my Newsletter Subscribers (or use this chance to sign up)
Today’s word count for Discovery of an Enchantress
Started Friday at – 60,173
Ended Friday at – 62,615
Total word count for Friday – 2,442
Started Monday at – 62,615
Ended Monday at – 64,223
Total word count for Monday – 1,608
Started Tuesday at – 64,223
Ended Tuesday at – 66,592
Total word count for Tuesday – 2,369