Got so deep into the story I completely forgot about checking the time, despite the clock being in my face. Since I’ve been writing on the laptop, the clock is right there the bottom right corner and easily seen if I’m writing. I check it without thinking during my writing, or when using the laptop in general. For me, knowing the time is essential to keeping to my schedule.
So when I don’t look at the time? That’s a big deal. Means I was that into the story.
Last night while I was doing the dishes, I thought I would expand on my rant I posted in the blog from yesterday (yes, I’m in a mood lately in general, which is why I keep away from people – nobody wants to be around that Kim, trust me), but I also heard this song, which I thought perfect for the Kat and Julian moments I’ve been writing. Even more the scene from yesterday’s writing.
I know, I know, I’m such a boy band girl. But Nick’s my dude! lol
Kat and Julian had their moment yesterday (even rereading it is like . . . yum) and they’ve discovered that connecting so deeply to one another has advantages and disadvantages. It just depends on what you consider an advantage or disadvantage. Maybe also on their individual mood at the time. If you don’t want someone to know your feelings 24/7 (should they choose to tap into them) then obviously it’s not going to be a very pleasing time.
Nor an advantage since you can’t hide anything from your partner. Or in this case Kat and Julian. But then again I don’t know yet if those feelings can be tapped into from a distance. If they are separated they can sense one another, but now that they have discovered they can truly sense the other’s feelings, will it work long distance?
That’s what I haven’t discovered, nor have they. But now I’m learning that if I wrote that in? It’s going to play a part later on. There is obviously a reason I wrote that into the story and the two of them have developed it.
I’m attempting to push my brain as I write this. To see if there is a reason. I can see scene bits here and there, but none of the characters are telling me why they may need that. I see where Kylarra is. I see the person around her. I see Kat and Julian in his office, and feel a separation between them. Maybe something with Kat and pain and the one near Kylarra? But that’s it. No amount of pushing is getting more more details.
When I say that, I realize that it’s the same methods that tarot readers, energy readers, and many in the spiritual realm use as well. Go watch a video and listen for them saying, “Spirit says,” or something similar. Same as writers. Only with us, we hear characters speaking. See them. Literally too. I hear Julian’s tone, which is different than Kat’s. I see Kylarra and feel the cold where she is, but it’s in me, yet not. So similar. Even random folks. Preachers hear it as a the voice of God, or Jesus, or something else (depends on their beliefs). Someone else may call it intuition.
As we each learn and develop those traits and feelings within, we tap into them differently. Since mine are characters in a story, the voices are different, the reactions, the way they move. I see it in my head, very real too. Like a dream playing out, a daydream.
Moving on. So yesterday I posted a sidebar/rant about how so many are becoming disjointed when it comes to relationships. I say that in the broad term. That can encompass platonic, romantic, and friendship, but I was referring more so to the romantic aspects. Since I don’t think friendships (at least not mine) are touchy feely, all over one another sort of relationships. Don’t get too physical in a friendship. Again, but that’s just me too. I may hug a male friend, but I’m not going to encourage other behavior by climbing all over him and acting like we’re more than friends. I have strict rules against certain behaviors between “friends” and romantic partners. Even then, the only one who will really get all of me without any sort of blocks is the man I’m going to marry.
Yes, I’m aware that I have some interesting views, but it’s also from everything I’ve been through. So when it seems I have prudish ideas, trust me when I say, there is one man that is slowly finding out just how untrue that is. In many ways I am just like Kat. At least her playfulness and inability to not say what she’s thinking. That girl has no issues telling her man the exact thing she wants from him.
Anyway, I wanted to really delve into what I was discussing in a half-assed manner yesterday. I was talking about how I’ve noticed a theme of disconnectedness spreading throughout the world. I’ve noticed and it makes me angry. It does. Frustrated too. You see, I am one of those same people, and I realized just how weak it is. In the past year I’ve really been changing as a person, seeing things in a different way, and I do attribute much of that to someone I knew. Not even sure how it happened or when, but he’s made me a better person the way Julian made Kat one. She was a wild, independent spirit who built that wall up so that nobody could scale it. She placed razor wire around it, then added electricity, and who knows what other booby traps.
All under the guise of independence. So I do see a lot of myself in her. Just like as Jeanie once mentioned, she saw a lot of my own struggles with relationships with Ellie’s character in The Guardian of Life series. That comment came particularly from Under Empty Stars. When I look at the story with a disconnected eye, I see what she means though.
Ellie was born into a world where she couldn’t trust anyone so she developed trust issues beyond normal. She had a father who looked at her as if she was nothing more than a thing to be disposed of. A bane of his existence. (NOT my father, let’s be clear – mine fortunately was my hero and an amazing man, not perfect, but still amazing for a father and human.)
With Stone, Ellie doesn’t quiet see that she is his everything. Everything he does, no matter how much he fights it, is for her. She is the sunshine in his world. He loves her with a strength he can’t show. Can’t because he never thinks he has the right words. Can’t because he believes he’ll die when he kills Claude as he wishes to. Can’t because he’s been trained as a beast who kills and nothing else, all his life – from what he remembers. So Ellie truly believes Stone’s cold nature toward her is it. That’s how he feels. She can’t trust him.
Without going into story spoilage bits, let’s just say her lack of trust blinds her – that’s where a lot of my own struggles come in. Trust. If I give you my heart, what will you do? If you are given my trust, will you abuse it again and again as I’m used to? Will you distance yourself right out of my life and never include me? And similar to Ellie, the ones she trusted to protect her (her father in this case) has manipulated and destroyed her ability to trust easily again. After all, he was the one person who she should have been able to trust. Her father.
Once a person has placed trust into a person and they’ve broken it. Then it happens again and again and again, same as loved someone who didn’t love them back, or loved a person who showed again and again that it didn’t matter to them whether they were even there or not? When a person has invested time into another person who “pretends” they care but at the end of the day proves that if that person simply vanishes, they won’t notice? They are hurt just one too many times?
There comes a point where independence turns very unhealthy and becomes malefic. There also can be a point where yes, we depend on another so much that it too can become destructive and malefic.
Which is why I titled this post: a healthy balance.
What I’ve noticed sadly is that far too many people are misunderstanding the terms needy and clingy, or codependent. And that they are only negative attributes, that they can’t be healthy. I’ve seen some use the terms to define a friend who is insulted because another friend doesn’t bother to ever reply to them within a few days, and it happens again and again. Oh mer gosh, how dare you feel anything but nothing for another person.
Or they throw that word out because a friend wants to connect and hang with another friend. And I mean that in that exact manner. If I want to do something with you and we’re friends? If you want to hang out with me and chit chat? We’re needy, clingy, and codependent, we don’t love ourselves, and we shouldn’t feel those things. All of that is strictly negative and unhealthy behavior.
Do people research things? These are the new buzzwords. And they are destroying relationships and people. A mom who gets annoyed at her child for ignoring her calls? Well mom, stop being so clingy and needy, you’re too codependent. It’s not at all that you have a relationship with that child, feelings, and are insulted at all because your child is ignoring you. You shouldn’t feel that way! <– I’m being sarcastic because those are things I’ve read. I’m using general terms too to really illustrate just how incredibly ridiculous people have become, and yes I’m aware that some of the methods of my expression come across as immature. They come from frustration. But at the same time, I’m used to seeing things that others don’t and am used to everyone screaming, “you’re wrong!” in their own way, when in reality: I wasn’t. They just didn’t like me speaking the truth. Think what you like. This is my truth.
When I see another person put down someone and try to tell them how they feel, and that how they feel is wrong: I get ticked the hell off. Nobody has a right to tell anyone how to feel. Or that their feelings are wrong. Feelings are very normal, natural, and expressing them is too. See when we suppress, they explode. I know this because I was that girl. I wouldn’t be open about anything then BAM. *rubs dust from screen* It’s not as easy to say, “I feel . . .” and then be done. Just as saying, “I feel insulted,” over everything? Also not so good. Again: balance.
I used the example yesterday about Demolition Man the movie, and how in that future people didn’t even touch one another. They had these interactive computer headsets that they wore to simulate touch. They had become so disjointed to the point that even a handshake was a no-no.
And when I look at a lot of behavior patterns I see that happening. Now I’ve been taught by my life that touch hurts. That love hurts. That trusting another is bad. I’ve been in that mindset of “why should I need anyone in my life when I can do everything myself?”
Now from a different viewpoint I see how negative that mindset is. When in reality you know where it came from? Hurt. Fear. Constantly being abandoned by anyone I connected with. Being put down every time I opened up. Being left by people who didn’t even care that I existed? People who would tell me over and over, “I don’t care,” when I’d ask if they wanted me to come do this or that. Being told that the person doesn’t care if you’re there or not over and over? Years of that? Being ignored, being turned down, being left, being starved of basic love in life? Rarely even being hugged or told, “I love you”?
It helps someone develop a mindset of independence. That’s why this new age “self-love” phase I’m seeing a different side of. We’re told all the time by the media, by life coaches, by everyone around us: you just don’t love yourself enough.
Guess what? We do. We love ourselves when we get out of bed. We love ourselves when we fucking love after our hearts have been torn from our chest over and over and over again. We fucking love ourselves when we stand up after being knocked on our ass.
Stop listening to the world telling you that you don’t love yourself.
Because you fucking love yourself every time you take that next breath. You love yourself so damn much that you will get out of your bed, get up, and live that life that you know may not bring you any validation today. Any love, any hugs, any return at all.
Do you know what we really need to be told? You are being too hard on yourself. You’re a human being and it’s okay to need another human being in your life. It’s okay to need love in your life. It’s okay to need a hug today. But just because you don’t get that? Doesn’t mean that you aren’t the epitome of love.
Let me repeat that. You are the epitome of love itself.
What do you think makes up this world? Love. It isn’t self-love this world needs more of. The children who are at home all by themselves while nobody gives a shit about them? That homeless man on the street? That dog abandoned by the people who thought would love it forever? Do you think self-love will save them? Do you think they are where they are because they don’t love themselves enough?
SelfLESS love is what every single one of us need more of. Do you know what makes me happy? Making others happy. Does this mean that I don’t take care of myself? Have me time? No. Because there is a balance to it. If you don’t take time for yourself, no you won’t have time for others. But there comes a point where you need to look outside yourself, otherwise why is it that married couples are happier than single? Parents happier than people who aren’t? Not that there aren’t exceptions, but it’s because those people have someone outside of themselves to take care of, pour their love into, and they get the return of knowing that they are filling that other being with love.
What do I get out of my pets? It’s not a needy relationship. They could easily find another home and be happy, or I could be without them and not die, but it would hurt beyond words. NEED has so many different meanings. They don’t need me to help them breath. You don’t need someone to do that for you either, but having a person to pour your love into isn’t wrong.
The balance comes in also having your own life, your own things to fulfill you outside of your kids, your relationships. Being able to be by yourself and not going absolutely stir crazy. But connecting with another human being and then being hurt when they don’t return that attention isn’t a bad thing. You’re not wrong for having feelings. For feeling insult.
Now granted, allow me to include the sidenote which this world apparently needs all the time. If you get insulted that someone doesn’t give you attention for five minutes, there is the loss of balance. If you get pissed off that while they are at work, they don’t return your emergency message of needing to know where something is located in the house, you’re not finding the balance between independence and connection.
I refuse to call it codependence because that has become such a buzz word that it really doesn’t belong here. It’s like when we call someone sick in the mind. That is a real thing. Using it as a buzz term becomes too easy and it’s like when we constantly say to someone they’re never on time. Eventually? That’s going to become reality. And fighting against something makes it reality. Being so afraid of becoming something also makes it happen.
So while the world is constantly fearing being labeled as “clingy, needy, and codependent,” they are getting to the point where they don’t even talk to another person. Oooo if I want to say hi, I shouldn’t because then I’m going to be labeled needy. No. You’re not needy. You are a human being who wants to connect with another human being. If you want someone to be a part of your life, there is nothing wrong with that. What’s wrong is if they don’t bother to include you, and yet expect a relationship out of you.
And I’m truly tired of everyone telling people that something as basic as that is wrong. I see it far too much now. If I want to say hi to someone, I’m doing what is called connecting. You cannot build anything with anyone by never talking to them, never connecting with them. And here is the bad thing. When you live a life where you are always kept at a distance? That too is a very dangerous point to reach. I was there for a long time. And it’s a weak mindset.
I called myself out there. I was weak. Nope. Not strong folks. Weak. It is weak to be that hyper independent. Because you reach this point where you are so disconnected from truly connecting with another human being that you are not loving yourself. You are running from yourself. You are running from what you can truly be.
Many here are throwing examples out of how they can be by themselves, independent, and on and on. Do you know how to reach your full potential? How your soul truly grows and you become a fearless person?
By letting go of that control you grasp so tightly. And the only way it happens is if you are brave enough to open up and let someone in. And the truth is, most of us who are that (in my case it’s past tense) independent? It’s from controlling ourselves and blocking others out. And that is easy. It is so fucking easy to tell someone to go away. To keep yourself from ever being responsible for another’s feelings and heart. Being independent removes all responsibility from your shoulders.
Think of your partier friend who suddenly starts to dress nicer, hold a job, and has become a parent. I’m not talking about those who have kids, don’t grow, and still party it up every weekend and not care one bit about that child. I’m talking about the ones you see grow and mature because they have a child. They have found someone to pour their heart into and connect with so deeply that it changed who they are. And I’m starting to see that is where it is.
Those people didn’t just take responsibility for that child. They have connected deeply with that child and loved it with a depth and passion which they’d never found before. You can have depth of connection with another person and still be an independent individual too. They aren’t afraid of being labeled as anything because they don’t even care. I don’t. They open their hearts as wide as they ever had before, in the way they are truly meant to (we all are) and loved with every fiber of their being. They have connected with such depth, intimacy, and intensity, that it changes their very soul.
They have become what all of us are meant to be.
Not these scared, being afraid to love with every fiber of our being, humans. Not these worrywarts afraid of being hurt. And yes, I have been hurt so deeply that I went from a girl who was laughing and playful and fully expressed her love to a cold heart disconnected fucking bitch who didn’t give a shit about anybody else. Responsibility? Fuck it. Connecting to another? Who needs that? Rely on another? Right. Not a chance. Bring someone into MY world? I ain’t responsible for you!
That right there was Kim Iverson pre hmm . . . whenever Kona and they were born, and then especially pre-C. When Kendra had her puppies I found where I could pour my love into. A place where I could freely express my love and with a depth nobody had allowed me before. Everyone kept me at a distance. Oh I was still laughing happy Kim because I know how to hide my pain. I know how to never let people know that certain place inside of me. Even Jeanie still doesn’t know certain things. That woman has worked for five years to finally show me it was okay to let her in. That she wasn’t leaving. I still have major issues at times, but she knows it’s not personal.
Then I came across someone who I saw so much of myself in and I think it showed me something that I don’t even know how to explain. It showed me from the outside, how do I even say it. I don’t have the words. I was an outsider seeing the walls I’d built around me. I’d gotten a glimpse of what my grandparents had known. I was shown a sample of what could be when you were brave enough to connect to another. I truly don’t know how to explain what I saw and what I felt.
Well . . . you know how (only if you’ve gone through this will you understand) your life flashes before your eyes when you have a near death experience? When you believe you’re going to die, that cliche is true. Everything that is important to you will flash before your eyes in only a minute. Everything you’ve done. But mostly . . . what you really love will etch itself into your brain. So if you ever really want to know what matters to you at the end of the day? Go have a near death experience. Doesn’t even have to be major.
Then you’ll know.
That’s sort of what I saw. What I felt. For an instant, every wall I’d ever constructed against love, against wanting more for myself. They crumbled. And I was given a sample of what was to come if only I would just try. Try. That’s a good word for it.
That is all any of us have to do. When they break our heart. When we want to connect. When we want to build something. When we have hope. Just . . . try.
Stop fearing the labels. Stop fearing what the fearful keep telling you. That you don’t love yourself. That you are too needy because you want a friendship or love of another human being. Weak is easy. Easy is saying, “I’m busy,” when in reality you’re not. I wasn’t. I was queen of that term. Then I realized that it came from yet another block in me. I was only saying, “I’m afraid to trust you.” “I’m afraid to let you in.” “I’m afraid that at the end of the day, you won’t be there.” “I am afraid.”
Nobody is too busy. Nobody’s life is that hectic that if we want to find time to connect, we can’t. If I am swamped with work, what happens when a dog gets sick? All life stops and I focus purely on them. I remember at the end of the day now that the most important thing I can give anyone is my time. And if they matter to me, I will find five minutes to say, “I’m glad you’re in my life.”
If someone wishes to call me needy, clingy, or codependent? If those people want to tell me I don’t love myself because I’d rather spend five minutes on my dogs rather than take a bubble bath? If I’d rather walk up to the man I love and hug him after he’s had a hard day rather than sit my ass down and ignore him when he was to come home? Well go right ahead. Because at the end of the day I would rather not sit alone in a cold house with nobody there, no pets, no nothing, than be happy and give to another. I take care of myself just fine. But life is 50/50. If something or someone is important to me? They are going to mean as much, if not more, to me than myself. I live with myself so I’m naturally going to take care of myself. It’s easy to focus on self. Why take the easy route?
Hard is taking a chance. Brave is opening your heart after being hurt. Courage is connecting with another human being in a world where we are told we should only connect with ourselves. And then we wonder why people can’t be trusted. Then we see the people who say, “I don’t need love, I’m fine on my own.” Bullshit.
That’s right. I said it. I call bullshit. I was her. I was that person. And it takes a lot of damn work to maintain a bond, to open up, to trust, to love, to connect. Which is exactly why people are fighting that. Because it’s much harder to be vulnerable to another person, connect with them, and gasp! depend on them, than it is to control your environment to the point that you block all from you. To never depend on another person. To never need another person. Every term has a positive and negative. Every emotion, every reaction, every behavior.
There is a healthy balance point.
Am I telling anyone how to act or behave? I could never be that arrogant. If it makes you happy to be alone, more power to you. If it makes you happy to have a partnership where you two never disconnect and are around one another 365, 24/7? Again, more power to you. Nobody can tell you what is right for you and your relationship, but you and the person you connect with. Lemme repeat that. Nobody can tell you what is right for you. Nope.
You know what is right for you. Books can’t tell you. Life coaches can’t. Psychiatrists can’t. You know. It’s only when we finally connect with ourselves and listen to what we need, do we finally find that nourishment for what makes us happy.
There is a healthy balance point in everything we do. It’s not easily defined either. Because again, I’m not you and you aren’t me. Your doctor isn’t you, you’re not your doctor. What works for a “majority” doesn’t necessarily mean you. What works for a “few” might not mean you. You don’t need to pay someone a massive amount of money to stop and listen to your gut.
Today’s word count for Fury of a Queen.
Started today at – 54,990
Ended today at – 57,159
Total word count for today – 2,169