This year I’ve gone through many changes. We all have. We all do. Around this time of year we’ll all reflect on the past year, what we’ve accomplished, how we’ve grown (hopefully we have, even if in a small way), and maybe give thought to what is to come. I’m an open person, an open book. I’m honest, direct, far too analytical at times (Virgo rising, hi) but I also get “feelings” that I hope for at any time of the year. Namely this time. It tells me what to expect, what will come, whether I’m on the right path for me or not. It’s not something I talk about much because if someone is not used to a person like myself, they can get negative. Fast. Ever see the criticisms of psychics? Yeah.
Anyone who has known me a while will know what I’m referring to. They aren’t traditional sad, mad, etc., type of feelings. They are a sudden wash of temperature through me. Ever feel your stomach drop and the rush of shame (heat) over something embarrassing? Similar. In a way like honey being poured over your head.
With them comes my forecast of what’s to come. Or it’ll tell me something is approaching/coming. Being an Empath too, I can sense others’ emotions that I’m close to, which is why I’m careful about who I am around or who I let close. Many are surprised when they find out I don’t have many close offline friends. Energies affect me. As a whole, even social networks can. I will get physically sick being around someone screaming and yelling. I think that’s part of why, at this time of year, I pull further back. Too much stress and negativity.
This past year though, I have noticed a cleansing happening. It’s not just me. Others have talked about it, mentioned it in random passing when they didn’t even notice as a whole, they were part of many dealing with similar. Even more so these past few months.
What am I referring to? Well, to sum up?
The past has come a knockin.
Not just people, but situations, mental sludge, insecurities cropping up. There was a time when I couldn’t sleep properly either. I haven’t suffered from sleep issues in YEARS. But I’d wake in the night and anxiety would creep up. Or I couldn’t fall asleep. That hasn’t happened in a very long time.
I have come to find that whether we know it or not, many are dealing with a shift happening in their lives. I didn’t really want to discuss this because it’s hard for people to understand (more so if they aren’t connected to that side of themselves), but I am always led by my intuition. My gut instincts guide me. When I follow them, I may hide under the covers after out of embarrassment (if it’s out of opening up in ways I’ve never done before), but I’ve been accepting lately that we are always doing what we’re supposed to. For our highest good. We ALL have free will. To choose to go with the flow and let go (it will feel better inside) or fight against it (we will feel as if we’re moving through sludge) and try to force ourselves into a path not right for us. No matter what, everything we’ve done we have for a reason.
Personal example to explain: say I take a break from writing, I’ll feel okay. Good even. But eventually I’ll need to get back to it. It’s not just an “addiction” as writers like to joke about. It’s an instinct within us which is saying: you’re going against the flow, turn back. Keep fighting and that’s just it, you’re gonna keep fighting. It won’t flow, it won’t be easy, something inside will be screaming to be heard. And in extreme cases you may get sick. Your body will force you to find that redirect. Period.
Not many will read this, get this far, understand this, and that’s okay. This message isn’t for them. This message is for the one person who wants to read it. For the person who it resonates with. For you.
In reality, I was only going to say that this past year has been eye-opening. My past issues with trust have came forth, my insecurities, but also previous past people. It’s been interesting. Interesting to the point of “wow, where did all of you/this COME from?”
But then the Universe (I have noticed) tends to test us. Easy example being: I want to lose weight, and I’m doing it! Next day you find a cake in your face. Erm, thanks.
Seriously though, it does. Whenever we decide on a path, the Universe wants to know how badly we want it. Or, are we really ready for it? We know inside that we want to lose that weight. We know inside our future will be better. It will be for our higher good. BUT. Then comes the test. How BAD do you want that beautiful future? How HARD are you willing to work for it? Are you really SERIOUS about it?
The brighter the future, the greater the gain, the more intensely you’ll be tested. The harder the tests will become. Hard has different meanings for different people. You take how that may mean for you. Now, it’s not you being bad or good, a failure or a winner. I think it’s more: are you ready for this? Is this where you are at? Vibrationally speaking are you ready to receive what you’re hoping to receive/accomplish?
There is no wrong or right. If we veer off course from where we should be the Universe/Divine/God/whatever your beliefs, will help direct you back on course eventually. We may veer off course to gain the wisdom/courage/strength we need to continue on the path we’re supposed to be on. So it’s not necessarily a wrong choice for going down path B, or giving in. We also are tested because we need to be ready to receive what may come from our choices. Think of those who win a million dollars before they know how to manage the money.
There are exceptions who’ll end up doing all right. In general though, we have to be ready to win that money or else it’ll be gone tomorrow.
So when you make a choice and later think it’s wrong, it may not be wrong for you. Just wrong for you at that point in time. In that time of your life, you’re not ready for it so you chose the right path for you (even if it seemed wrong or that you stepped back, failed, etc.) and what you could handle at the time. Growth takes courage. Growth is something we have to be ready for. Some may never grow, in which case they’ll always choose the easier path, the one with less hurdles, they won’t be tested as much. For them, that works.
Each of our paths are different. For me, I find when I write, I heal people. I help them. So I’ve been told, so I’ve noticed. Whether my books, my random letters, blogs, whatever else. Yours may be the path of a chef. A singer. A doctor. It’s whatever inside of you says: this way. And it may change too. But what makes you happy? Go there. Doesn’t mean there won’t be struggle and work. Within you’ll feel the right path.
Trust in yourself.
Don’t regret your decisions. I know that’s hard. Trust me. You are where you should be right now. Period. Those around you are too. They are around you for a purpose. Those who aren’t anymore aren’t because they don’t belong in your future. You had to leave them behind. As hard as the past has been, I am grateful for it. Even the pain. I wouldn’t appreciate those in my life as much. I wouldn’t be where I am. The good I am currently experiencing and the amazing people, I simply would take for granted. And I certainly wouldn’t be so happy. So don’t regret anything from the past. It brought you here to this moment.
Back to the people from my past. Suddenly I had a couple people showing up that I haven’t spoken to in years. Mostly the potential romantics who turned away from me.
One of them I told straight out that one day he’d regret his decision. I wasn’t being arrogant, I spoke from an inner instinct which told me so since I’d never said or done that before. I told him he would regret treating me that way and would want to come back into my life. I told him that it would never happen because when done, I’m done. Period. If someone isn’t sure about me and they need “time,” or a “break,” all right. I am a kind person. They can. I most likely won’t be there. I need someone who is there. Who communicates with me frequently. Who is willing to build a foundation because if they aren’t willing to build a deep connection/friendship with me, I’m not willing to build a future with them.
I’m not an option girl. It’s either me or it’s not. For me I’ve always believed that the man I’d marry would be a man who’d know with one look: I was the one for him and there’d be no other. When treated like I’m easily thrown away or taken for granted, I’ve learned to cut ties. But I’m also kind and generous. When my trust is gone however, it’s gone. Before I didn’t fully know that. Now I do from experience. It has helped me grow as a person.
He was one of them who tried to come back (did it through Facebook). I released him back into the past.
Another cropped up who’d originally inspired this thought, and was just going to be a short thought, to become what this is now. It was a friend I’d made on MySpace once upon a time. We’d connected through our writing. In a time in my life I swore never to be friends with another man, and I didn’t feel normal, he was there. In life he didn’t do such good things, but with me, he’d been kind. One who began a life knowing only wrong, and so being in prison had become normal. Getting out never lasted long. When we began to talk, he really was trying to do better, but the problem is who we surround ourselves with. The energies of the people we let into our lives will affect us. Our growth, our future, our life.
Out of some random sheer crazy universe chance, I received a letter from him a month back or so. Normally I wouldn’t have hesitated to write him back. And yes, he finds himself back in prison because of that past he was involved with. Normally I wouldn’t have thought twice about letting that energy back in my life. Once upon a time I had said that he was going to be the real test. I made the mistake of saying it out loud. See, I’ve learned that we shouldn’t dare the Universe in such a way. Say you can’t live without something (hard lesson I dealt with a couple times) and the Universe will say: oh yeah?
So sure nuff, I received a letter out of the most random chance possible. From a man who’d even said once he always left. He was a leaver. So receiving that letter was just . . . hmm. I sent a text to my editor basically saying wtf? lol I won’t go into all the eye-opening moments that brought me. In a way I’d asked for that. I see that now.
This isn’t a romantic situation. I don’t write men in prison looking for love, and I certainly wouldn’t look for it from a man who’ll always leave me, who I never held intention of meeting offline, who I have always known would be nothing more than a penpal pretty much.
Not to mention, my closely guarded heart, closely guarded feelings were already captured when I didn’t expect it or look for it. I don’t exactly hide my feelings for Paul. You’ll see me tag him. Leo in me. When I love, I love big and don’t bother to hide it. And why would I? I’m proud of him, he’s amazing and I’m thankful for him being in my life. I also respect the hell out of the man so I’d never in a million years, take advantage of his heart that way. Hell, I’ve told the man I hope he sticks around for the rest of my life so there is no chance I’d play with his feelings like that. If we go our separate ways though, or something happens to one of us, he’s earned a deep deep place inside my heart which nobody will ever touch so I’m grateful for every single day I have with him. That he’s in my life period. I’ve learned so much from him already and grown because of his presence in my life, from just having had the chance to know him.
So this isn’t a romantic issue at all. I love this past friend, sure. Strictly as a friend. There will never be anything romantic in that situation.
My struggle is whether I want to allow such energies into my life anymore. Normally it’s an easy choice.
It is a real thing we have to consider. The energies we allow in our lives. Sometimes our energies are best apart. If we want a brighter future and we’re lugging the past with us, how do we think that pretty new future will go? Exactly. More of the same because we’re bringing the past with us. (In whatever form that resonates.)
Why then am I writing this if I don’t want advice? Maybe it’s for that one still struggling who it may help. Because this past year, more so the past few months, have been incredibly hard. Maybe for the one who just loves to read my writing. Maybe for the one who wanted something to read right now that was deeper than “what’s your favorite color?” Maybe just because I felt the little nudge to. Maybe because I needed to, or because someone needed to read it and with things of this nature I always hope to help SOMEONE through my writing.
Maybe for no reason at all.
Now, I should also point out that this doesn’t mean erase your past. If anyone takes that from this, that is not my intention. It doesn’t mean drop all your friendships. This woman is loyal to a fault. Long after I’ve been hurt, I’m loyal. It takes a lot for me to finally tell anyone goodbye.
But this past year I’ve found something very interesting about all the sluggish energies trying to hold us back and our struggle to go forward. It’s been asking: what’s your future? What does it look like? What do you want it to look like?
Working through those issues help us. Sweeping them under the rug and hiding from the pain? Not so much. I’ve embraced the pain, the issues, been up front with my insecurities. I always embrace the struggle. That way it can be moved on from. That way we can say goodbye to the issues of the past and trust the future. When the pain comes in my world, I embrace it, make friends, then release it back out of my life. It’s part of how I remain so positive.
And for those curious about the statement I made. I have had those feelings whisper through me. Whispers saying, there is something beautiful coming my way. Just a gentle murmuring within. As hard as this past year has been it’s also been incredibly beautiful.