I’ve noticed a theme going on in the world that renders me tired. Emotionally and mentally tired. Not necessarily tired in the sense that it’s too much for me to bear, but more so too much for me to bother with. Too much of my emotional energy I hold interest in regarding even having the simplest conversation with. And which breeds a shallowness in me. Not that I am shallow. But rather, from the attitudes and the reactions people give me to things, I feel it takes less energy to give them a shallow version of myself.

It’s hard. Difficult. I can be shallow. Happy on the surface, sharing only ridiculous memes that get some laughs. Laughter is deep admittedly. To see happiness and joy in a world with so many troubles, is difficult. To express that even while feeling pain, takes courage. But I crave a deeper conversation, I crave deeper connections that are shared. That are desired. Conversations where it’s a give and take. Where I offer a thought and then another gives me a different point of view, while respecting my own, and then we converse, and it’s an equal playing ground. There isn’t hate, there isn’t division, there isn’t the attitude of you’re wrong, I think you’re wrong, and this is why you’re wrong and I’m right.

Have you noticed that? Maybe I’m a minority. Maybe it’s because I place small test feelers out that I don’t realize are test feelers until after comment and comment of hatred and telling me I’m wrong (not directly because passive aggressive for the win these days too) and why they believe I am come in.

It’s funny because I never truly noticed it before. Now I’m seeing it more and more. I’m not saying that there are massive amounts of people out there who do that, but for those groups who do, I’m just tired of you. So damn tired of the lack of connection. So tired of the shallowness you crave. And that’s what it is. I’m not a fantasy. I’m a human being with thoughts and emotions, but I feel few want to see the deeper part of me and that is sad. They are happy with the shallow version I hand out.

For those few who accept the depths of my soul, who aren’t afraid of it, who entice it out of its cave and crave more? I love you. I connect with you, and you are the few who make me feel alive. Who make me see the beauty in this world.

We are not a shallow world. We are a strong world full of strong opinions and beautiful light shining throughout, but it seems we’re being silenced by the hatred. By the negativity, the division. We’re quieter because we’re tired of fighting the brash anger. And what’s out there in our faces are more and more entertainment shows. The ones who say they saw this celebrity picking their nose, or that celebrity’s unmentionables. You have to sift through and through and through all that noise, all the loud, brash, craziness to find that smaller voice saying here is a story of a man who went out of his way to help save one puppy for its mother who struggled so hard to save her one small miracle.

Through all the noise is buried the real stories, the true heart of this world. Not the people who when you give an opinion, rather than engage you and discuss your thoughts, they instantly get on top of you to tell you how you’re wrong, and the reasons why. They never have a discussion with you. They never participate in your life until that moment they can pounce one after another and tell you all about how you’re not allowed to think the way you do in essence. Instead of valuing another perspective, instead of having a deeper discussion and being open to other opinions, there is simply a sense of mud slinging in a way. It’s a feeling in your gut too. Because they’re too passive aggressive in the way they express themselves to be that blunt. So they’re round about with the way they say “you’re wrong.”

The best part about this realization? Is from playing a random mobile game. Then seeing how people have such differing opinions, they express it, respect each other’s thoughts enough to go through them over and over knowing they’ll be seeing that person on the game tomorrow short of blocking them. And when the minority are the people who simply believe that their opinion is the only one and that all others are wrong, that is when you see just how awkward it can be with the reverse. How different it is. And how much more you enjoy conversing with a younger crowd who know how to respect the opinions of the others around them, even if opposing, and can have those deeper conversations.

I called this the age of the ego because that seems to be the driving force. My way or else. Selfishness. Separateness. Not realizing that we are all connected. Attacking another is the same as attacking ourselves. I’m on a new quest to become far more self-aware than I’ve ever been. Taking that small light inside of me and hopefully increasing its glow.

I’m worn out from those who don’t want the deeper me. The ones content in not really knowing me but from the outside. From the “u r hot,” people, or the people who when I say, I need them because I put my dog down and wasn’t handling it well, didn’t abandon me. Didn’t say they’d talk to me later and then leave me hanging (yes, that happened two years ago). The friends content in not seeing that there is a deeper part of me. I crave depth and authenticity. And that starts with me doing the same.