What do you want out of a [romantic] relationship?

Part of me trying to better myself as a human being and woman, has been to read anything I can get my hands on about anything in that area. Even such things that most people wouldn’t give thought to, or figure they already know, like taking care of myself, relationships both with me and other people (romantic, platonic, etc.), and even etiquette. Like a video I watched a bit ago about how to be a classy lady. Not kidding at all, lol.

I do it because we never really know what we don’t know, or what we may learn from watching and reading about a subject. Broadens what we know, broadens our knowledge, and in an indirect way studying anything based off of human behavior and humans in general, can help me with my characters. I could watch a video on a man discussing how to snag a lady’s attention (haven’t so far, but one never knows) just to get laid. As a woman who has zero interest in that it’s easy to go, nah, no reason to watch. But if I watch it, then I’m learning that type of behavior. Does it matter that I’d be able to spot it already? No. It matters that it’s refreshing itself in my mind, and something small in that video may stick. So when I’m writing, it’ll come out in a character. Could be that particular person’s behavior that I watched. The way he looked at the camera, the lilt of his lips. The way he moves.

I have a craving for learning. It doesn’t matter what it is. Depending on my mood, is what directs me to certain areas of research and learning. Right now it’s about bettering myself so I’m a better person to be around. For the people around me. I’m refreshing knowledge in the area of relationships. Because I want to be a good person to my friends, but I also have someone in my life that I want to make sure I’m a good person for them as well.

Most importantly it’s always for me. We can’t better ourselves for outside reasons. That’ll fail. “I’m going to lose weight for my husband.” Well, what happens if that backfires? Then the person feels like a failure. It could go 50/50. Good/Bad. So at least for me, I think it’s best to always better ourselves for us, first. Outside (people around us) forces, second. Then the world, third.

What do I mean by the world? We can’t change other people. But when we better ourselves, we better the world. We put positive energy out into the world. We better the lives of those who come in contact with us, then they spread that love beyond them. It becomes like a balloon which gradually grows larger and larger and larger to encompass everything around us.

Personally I’d rather make those around me feel good. I’d like to spread love and happiness. So anyone who comes into contact with me feels better. They have a better day. We have enough pain. Simply adding to the anger and the hurt only spreads darkness. Would you rather have sunshine or dark cold gloomy day in and day out?

I personally like me a 75/25 ratio. Can’t help it. Love me some darkness. Love to sometimes just feel crappy and laze about. I don’t want to live there. But to embrace that darkness and let myself feel the pain that can come helps me to appreciate the good. It helps remind me of what can exist on the other side. I learn from the darkness. And frankly if someone’s life is 24/7 sunshine and goodness well good for them! I would be concerned, but personally I couldn’t live that way. It’d exhaust me. This coming from someone nicknamed sunshine and/or bubbles. lol That’s only because they know when I’m perky? I’m perky! I prefer to find the positive most times.

Going back to the subject that brought this up. I spend a lot of time watching videos on YouTube. Well, listening. Lately I have been listening to Joel Osteen because I like how positive he is. And that basically he’s talking most of the time about keeping positive thoughts in our heads, and much of the theory behind Law of Attraction. Which is our thoughts affect our reality. The other day I was suggested to watch a relationship coach.

This leads to what most people know of YouTube. lol The bunny trail leads you down many, many, maaannnnnyyyyyy holes. One click led me to another, led me to another, and I was going . . . okay I like listening to this guy. He talks not about “how to please your dude,” and “if you want her, do this.” He talks about bettering ourselves which in turn attracts the person we need, and those sorts of things. So I kept listening and something he said really grabbed me and made me think. And if you say something that makes me think? Well, you’ve accomplished something I love.

What do you want out of a [romantic] relationship?

And I love that thought. Because as per what he was discussing it isn’t about what we need from a person, but what are we seeking. What are the reasons we want to be in a relationship. That’ll determine not just the quality of partner we get, but the quality of partner we’ll be. And what sort of relationship we’ll have.

I thought it was a profound thought. Which started to make me ask myself that question. What do I want out of a romantic relationship? What are the reasons I would want to be in one? I really had to give this thought and I encourage you to as well. If you’re single, but even if you’re already in a relationship with someone.

What do you want out of a [romantic] relationship?

What can one provide you? What can you provide to one? I don’t think this is even just about the relationships. Even friendships can be used in this context, but it really helps you to reevaluate yourself. Think about who you are. What can you give, not just what the other person can give to you. Which is very important. If we have nothing to give? Why would we get into a partnership? With anyone? For any reason?

Think about that deeply. We don’t just get a dog to have them as a lump there. We want someone to be there. To be able to love. We know we’ll have to take care of them. We know we’ll have to provide for them. Maybe we want them just as a guard dog. But we know why we’re getting the animal. So why not ask that of yourself too? What do you want out of a relationship?

Personally I realized what I wanted is something I’ve already known, I just didn’t have the words. I’ve always said a best friend. But what is that especially?

A best friend is really a partner. It’s a person who you can grow with, and typically the person you stick by against all odds.

Something that this person said which I really liked was, “a place to put love into.” I really liked the way he put that. A place where we can grow the type of love we want. A person to grow with. Not a person who we look to out of validation, or a person who is forced into a position of making us happy. That sort of thinking will truly not help. But a partnership. One where it’s the two against the world. Partners in crime. 🙂

He also mentioned a quote that came from a book he read when he was talking about needing another person. How, as we most know, needing someone for the sake of needing them isn’t good. There is a quote that he brought up which I loved. I was trying to articulate my thoughts into feelings to my guy friend. I couldn’t quite figure out the best way to put it, but then I heard this and I realized: there it is. That sums up what I was trying to say – and failing to do! lol

Immature love says: ‘I love you because I need you.’ Mature love says ‘I need you because I love you.’

Erich Fromm

In short, it’s not saying that the person is the key to your happiness. It’s that their uniqueness, what makes them who they are. You need that because you love them. It’s saying that you acknowledge them for who they are. That with that individual human being you’re choosing to love, it’s their particular love you want to grow with. You want to know. That’s who you want to put your love into, who you choose, who you want to be with. That your love for them is unique to them alone. Basically in short: they are truly different from the rest and you need them for that difference they bring to your life. That challenge, that growth opportunity. You don’t love them because without them you won’t survive or won’t be happy. You need them as they are. To love as they are. Hopefully I’m making sense in there. lol

(A link that I found which describes more in-depth, the above quote, and a better way of what I’m saying!)

I have never quite heard that said in that way before. It’s taken me a long time to reach the point I’m at. I fully admit that. As a human being, I’ve failed often. I’ve thought the person was my entire world and without them there was no world in essence. The worse thing with that philosophy? Life loves to show us the reality.

Life says: oh, you don’t think you can live without such and such? Well, let me show you that you can. Oh, you don’t think you can handle that pet leaving you soon? Well, let me show you the truth. On and on. Simple or complex. Life will love showing us what we can handle.

So that’s something that really touched me when I heard it. And I’ve been reflecting on that a lot. I’ll probably be reflecting on that for a bit longer too. It goes back for me to the best friends phrase. I’ve said it all my life.

I’ll marry my best friend. It takes time, commitment, trust, loyalty, patience, and so much love to achieve that. One would think it was the simplest thing in the world. In fact? It’s the hardest. Because it’s the foundation building that takes work. The foundation to a lifelong partnership. I’m a one and done girl. When I say I do it will be forever. We will work to make that foundation so we will both work to make that marriage the most beautiful and calming place to go for both of us.

It will be magic.

It will be beautiful.