I’m a constant thinker, I ponder, I delve deep into what happens to us as individuals, as people, as humans. I know I’m a deep thinker and that most may not have things cross their mind like I do, but I can’t help it: I’m curious. I wonder, I dream, I think. I’m not ordinary. I accept that.

Lately it’s been occurring to me that maybe that age old statement, everything happens for a reason, really is true in many ways. Not as a mystical saying, but more so that every life experience we have, every person we encounter and deal with. It prepares us for what is to come in our future.

The reason I say that is obviously personal experiences I’ve had, but I will also point out that I believe we’re pointed in a direction of our choosing so then what we go through before that is directly correlated to what we want. Life is ever-changing, ever-evolving, but I believe from the very beginning we have free will to choose our path, but not only is everything constantly changing, in some ways we are always on a single path we’ve chosen. Hopefully I’m explaining myself correctly and it makes sense.

Say I’m born. From that moment (maybe we’re more aware at that time than we think, who knows) I’m just wanting what babies want. Food, warmth, love. Which then leads me to craving food of a different kind, movement, exploration. Which then goes into childhood and teenagedom (I’m sure that’s a word) and all while my brain is working to determine what I want, and though consciously not aware of it by then (maybe some never get there) I am directing myself on a path of my choosing, but which is also something that has always been there. So life is giving me all these little things to experience, people to be around, to bring me to the person I need to be to handle each stage I’m at.

Who said it? Dunno.  

Wherever I am, I’m where I’m supposed to be. 

As in, no matter what, I’m at the point I should be. I’ve even said it before. As bad as all the abuse has been, as hard as my experiences have been, it wouldn’t have put me here. I would’ve been somewhere else, doing something else. I would have been someone else. 

I think that as life is always changing, as we are always changing, those things change with us. Maybe there is such things as parallel universes in which each major tick separates us into two. One goes left, one goes right. Those experience splits too, lol. Doubtful, but it’s entertaining. I think it was a show or movie I saw that. It’d be mind-boggling to really figure out just how far something like that would go. Could you imagine limitless numbers of you and lives of you? Goodness.

Anyway, I also think that we can be shown things by simply asking for it. Now. From personal experience if you ever try it, I warn you that you may get an answer for something different than what you wanted if you are not specific in your asking. But you still will get an answer.

What do I mean? I’ve asked to be shown the truth in a situation where I wasn’t specific. Let me tell you. That was a mistake I won’t make again. I was shown a truth, sure. In a wholly different situation in my life and I was flabbergasted. Wasn’t bad, wasn’t good. I place no good/bad on that so it’s neither for me, simply eye-opening. I don’t regret what I was shown, but I just could’ve had a little preparation for it. And once that door is open. Ho-boy.

But it works.

If we are open to things like that. Since I’ve had far more than most non-believers may have, I am open and I do believe in it. I believe I’m watched over. By what? Hell if I know. Maybe the Universe takes care of all of us. Maybe it’s some sort of mystical being others believe in. But I believe it’s something we can all benefit from. Maybe it’s the energy inside of us which reaches out and connects with all the others around us, and in a way we are all doing it. Sort of like watch for the signs, believe in them, listen to what you’re shown, that sort of thing.

I admit, I do it often. Has yet to fail me. But I only do it with respect for it and understanding that it may not work, I may not LIKE the results. I don’t do it half-heartedly, and I don’t do it so often that I’m lazy and taking advantage. Only for major things. But because of having seen it work and such, I do believe in it. Just like I believe in other things people don’t. Like when I’m working in the soil, I’m connecting with something that we’re all apart of: life. Maybe it’s why people like to work in the garden and dirt so much. It’s relaxing and we’re interacting with something incredibly powerful. Because I don’t know about you but I certainly don’t control the plants. I don’t tell them how to work and live. They are living beings like us. Maybe not conscious, but alive still.

Back to the original point.

It happened to occur to me recently that very same idea. I have a dog now who is getting me used to being touched a lot, often, and she’s usually on me.

Not kidding. Current condition as I write this while I have a minute before I go to bed (I’ll finish it later on).

This. . . This isn’t normal to me. I’ve never liked clinginess. Never liked something constantly touching me. She is getting me used to it. Her comfort is simply being near me in a way that I’ve never had save for when I was little. As a little girl I was very expressive. I remember kissing my mom and dad goodnight every single night. I’d tell them goodnight. I’d fully laugh and giggle and just be expressive and open. So in other ways Mila is bringing it back out of me.

But on that point I also have someone who I’ve been getting closer to that is. It’s not a forced change, a “I have to be this way,” but a . . . they are bringing it out of me naturally. And it does feel natural. And I like it.

Granted, on the other hand you could say that maybe I was the one who wanted to have something that brought that aspect to my life (Mila), and it’s not prepping me for anything. I can see that. Understand it too.

Except.

Big one there.

Big except.

I never wanted or needed patience in my life. I never craved “maturity” of which having Kona, Kaley, the other gooberlets, gave me. I didn’t seek out having what could amount to as kids to take care of daily. Never. I simply took on the responsibility of their lives and they changed me. Like Mila, like the above mentioned person. I naturally became a more patient individual. Less bothered by daily annoyances. I became more responsible. I even let go of anger in me I didn’t know I wanted gone. You don’t live w that sort of anger and think to get rid of it. But now I see, I needed to. Getting rid of it made me this person who can handle a lot more stressors in my daily life, in my writing life (read: internet trollers), and I don’t get as grr over minor annoyances as I used to (granted, you do hear me bitch about them and sigh a lot because they are royal pains sometimes in this house, lol – I’m actually not perfect, shocker I am sure).

Just like all the people I’ve come across. I now realize each of them contributed too. To who I am, to what I’ve wanted, what I’ve sought. I see what I need in my life, how certain experiences change and mold me. Like w Mila. She gets me used to someone always being there, craving my touch, being near me. And in this particular situation I’m getting close to someone who I think also likes that so naturally it helps me to connect more. I’ve had friends where I’ve connected with, but then experiences cut me off. When you’re basically made to feel by others that being open and expressive is BAD in whatever form, you become stunted.

Sad to say I’ve heard far too many people who’ve never been in my shoes try to explain it away. To say things like “just let it go,” or “take a chance,” “get out of your head,” on and on. I don’t think they truly understand when you reach out and you’re slapped. Again and again and again. You stop reaching out. Then if you do one time and it’s okay, but you get slapped (even minor), you revert to the beginning. It’s not always easy for everyone to shrug things off and drop years of training (which abuse can be determined as) or negative experiences. But I do think that like Mila (and I’m only using this as my main example because it’s most in my head right now 🙂 ) life finds a way to help us. Far too many want the “quick fix” in everything in life, including becoming better versions of ourselves, becoming better at this or that, but they don’t think about how long it took to get where they are at anyway. I’m 36 (37 in August) and a lot of my “bad” experiences were dealt with for the majority of my life. It simply doesn’t take one night, one week, one month to become a better human who can no longer be that person. It takes time to craft ourselves (and lives) into newer and better versions.

The hill is high and it is slow going, but we’re going. We may slip, we may slide back. But if we get up and keep going, I’m starting to think that life helps us divert into little culverts I’ll say, and helps us get maybe little stronger legs for the next round, little stronger heart the next one, etc. There is no straight and easy path for everyone. I’ve read many quotes which say that those who are to be the greatest heroes or ones to make the biggest differences in life are the ones with the hardest struggles. It makes sense. I don’t see myself as either of those, but maybe in some eyes just getting up every day when I don’t want to is hero enough. Maybe just the ability to make someone smile is enough to be a hero for someone which is why I like to smile at strangers. We never know you know? We just don’t know who is barely there that day and could just use one small miracle in their day.

And a smile is a miracle.

As I write this to, I’m reminded of something Margaret said to me on one of my earlier posts (last month or two months ago?). She’d told me that maybe that great man for me is out there working to become the great man I need. That also can go back to this post. Maybe those amazing people we are yet to meet, we just haven’t because they are working to be the people we need in our life. Or we have, but we’re not able to BE THERE with them because we’re both still working to be the person that other needs us to be. And I don’t mean that just in a romantic sense. I mean even as a friend. Even as a stranger who will have the right thing you need to hear that day. Or the boss who gives you that shot when you just needed a break.

Maybe as much as we have free will, and choices, we are on a path that we’ve chosen since the beginning. That probably scares a lot of naysayers or instantly makes them want to tell me how wrong I am, but that’s okay. Their life isn’t mine. They are not wearing my shoes, having to face my pains every day. They only want to tell me “that’s not right!” and that’s okay too. This is just what I’m thinking about right at this moment. And I’m sharing it. Maybe I am wrong. Who’s really to say?