Working on Witness to the Moon this week. May end up being the final week I do, but I may have to do another week. Some amazing words today. The story flew. I went into that zone that the words just purged.
So today I learned some interesting information. I had not planned for it either. Never once considered an inkling of it happening. I’m referring to Witness to the Moon and writing, obviously, haha. I’m happy though! It’s so much fun to write in this Universe. There is no telling where it will end, or how long it will play out. How many more books in me for this world? Who knows? It’s an amazing storyline and I’m really enjoying where it is right now. Also note that having the Outlander soundtrack playing in the background is awesome for this book. Just a random note.
One thing I know is just how much I love writing. This job is the best thing in the world and I am so blessed to be able to do it, to live it, and to have the opportunities that I have. Just beautiful.
Yesterday I wanted to write about something that was on my mind, but I was so completely exhausted from only a few hours of sleep that I couldn’t bother to do much more than write about the words.
I was recently talking to a friend of mine who I got back in touch with and he and I were discussing settling and finding out where one should be. That night–after the talk–I happened to have it hit me. I was telling him that I am happy and at peace where I’m at in my life. It hit me that one could see the place I’m at in my life, where I have allowed my fullest hermit self out, and don’t feel the need to go, go, go, but simply enjoy each day, read, do the housework, etc., that it can be deemed “settling” in some ways. This isn’t what he said, or anything to him. It’s where my mind went.
In many ways, it just can be seen as that. And I realized that is maybe what someone like me can derive peace from. I haven’t settled into where I’m at in terms of never having interest in being anything different. Or deciding this is it for me. Yes, in many ways I do think this is it. This is the career I belong in, this is currently the life I should have. But, and that’s a huge one. There is still that part of me that is the dreamer, the traveler, the gypsy. The free spirit who never settles in one place for long.
From the outside looking in it can seem entirely different. People could easily look at me, or be around me day in and day out, and say yeah, you’re not adventurous. Or not think I’d ever change, travel, decide at the drop of a hat to leave and disappear. But that is who I am. I just don’t do it for anyone else.
I live my life for me. I live my life in the way that makes me happy. I don’t need anyone’s approval. I don’t need anyone else’s permission to do what I want. I can be deemed settling, but to me –
you can be at peace without settling.
I am at peace. Being a hermit makes me happier than I’ve ever been. And yes, I will be the first to admit that a lot of it does come down to the stress and panic attacks I tend to get when doing anything but being myself. Would you want to live your life exhausted all the time? I didn’t like it, I wanted a change and I made one. I won’t go back to that person.
Does it mean that I don’t ever experience loneliness? Well, do you? I don’t know too many individuals on Earth who may not feel that way from time to time. I felt more bouts of loneliness when I was out there running around every day, trying to please friends who wanted me to constantly do things they wanted me to do, and changing the person I am to make them happy. I felt more misery being around those people who only accepted me on their terms. The moment I stopped I received the dumps. The comments where they mentioned me never wanting to hang out, never wanting this or that.
When in reality it was that I wanted to go sit at the beach for hours. I wanted to go sit at the park and not have to try and attract attention or whatever other reason. I simply wanted to be there. I didn’t want to go to the bars, I didn’t want to go to parties, I didn’t want to put myself in the middle of crowds where men were going to hit on me. I wanted to just be with the person and do things for the nature, for the peace, for the relaxation.
I know how this reads, trust me. It’s hard to put into words. I’m not condemning, I’m not putting people down, I just don’t fit in with most people. Being alone for me is amazingly joyful. I have read so many statistics talking about how people who are alone, or like to be, are basically going to be miserable or nutto. When in truth, there are people out there who derive true pleasure from the lack of humans around them. Maybe I am crazy. But I have realized that I am the most outgoing and kind individual you’d never expect of being as reclusive as I am. I am great with people. I am just also quite great at being alone. It doesn’t mean there aren’t cravings in me. Living in the present moment however? I have found a peace within me that I never thought possible when I fought who I was.
I always believed the lies of society. That I would never be happy until I did everything possible to be like this or like that. I believed the people who didn’t accept me until I became the person they accepted. That is really what it is. Not settling as much as no longer running. And running I am really good at. Ask anyone who’s asked me to marry him. Ask anyone who’s tried to date me. (Not saying I’d never be with someone, but he’ll be pretty special to make me want to be a team.) I am a free spirit. I can never settle completely, but finding peace? I am peace. We all are.
So that is what I realized the other night. I didn’t find some secret formula. I read the Eckhart Tolle books and found the present moment. The true present moment that freed me from all the fights within. Not completely. I still have plenty of work ahead of me, but I think that is what happened. I stopped running from myself. It’s interesting too. Eckhart Tolle mentions that when a person changes themselves and becomes that centered, just being around them can change others. Let’s just say, I have found that to be 100% true.
When you stop running from yourself, you’ll find out who you really are.
Have you checked out the free preview of Blood By Night?
Word count I started the day with: 63,907
Worked from 10:30-11:30AM. Ended the day at: 65,840
Goal for this book is around 80K for writing only (editing I put in a lot of words).
Total for the day: 1933 words
Current Book I’m Reading –
A Dance with Dragons – George R.R. Martin