How do you say goodbye, period?

It has taken me a while to talk about this because every time I think about it,  my heart shatters all over again. I will cry before the end of this paragraph,  I can promise.

I thought I was prepared.  I thought I could handle it,  but . . . it isn’t something you can prepare for. It isn’t something you will know how to handle until that’s all you can do: handle it.

I lost my best friend on December 1st, 2015.

Sabrina was 14 years old. (August 29, 2001 – December 1, 2015)

She was, and forever will be, my princess.

My heart has shattered into a million pieces and this one . . . this will be a heartbreak that takes me a long time to get over.

I wrote a few months ago about how we handle it, our pets aging. I don’t know. I honestly, don’t know. I have one more who is getting there and has developed similar lumps that Sabrina had, which worry me.

Sabrina’s kidneys were failing and she had a growth on her hip that the doctor said was part of her stomach. If he removed it, she would lose her leg. He told us he could make her comfortable to get through the holidays,  but we chose not to be selfish. And to be honest, right this minute, part of me wishes I had been selfish because I have never experienced heartbreak like this before and it hurts. It physically hurts.

I know someone who has never owned an animal, or been that close to one can’t understand, but for me, in terms of love, animals are no different than human. The bonds can be stronger for me because I’ve had a hard life and it’s hard to be that open with humans for me, but animals I open myself completely to.

I got Sabrina when she was a baby. A woman my dad worked with had an Australian Shepherd who had 3 puppies. I went with my mom to meet her, and was told I could have one. I went with the intention of getting a boy. Boy,  boy,  boy. I wanted a boy.

I eyed this fudge little fellow named Bear, but was told he was taken. So then I looked at the next boy. Kinda lanky little guy. Well,  not as fat as Bear is all.

Outta nowhere comes this small little brown bear who pounced her brothers and took them both on, then came over to me. I picked her up,  she tucked under my hair at my neck, and made these little pig grunt sounds, and I was done.

We went through so many names before my mom came across the name,  Sabrina. I had grown up watching Melissa Joan Hart all my life. My dad loved her. He told me once, “I think it’s because she reminds me of my daughter.” She played a character (a witch) named Sabrina. The name stuck.
It was vibrant, feisty, athletic,  everything I wanted my baby to me.

It was perfect.

She was.

I am not the only one struggling. This is what I took tonight.

They each have their tell which shows how they miss Sabrina. This is Kona. He spent every day, snuggling against his Nanna. Since he doesn’t have that,  he found his mommy’s bear to snuggle tonight.

This is what I mean. The night before we brought her in, he brought her his best toy, and snuggled it, and her, knowing she didn’t feel well.

Kendra will run down the hall and stop,  then come back at times. She forgets that Nanna is no longer in my room,  or down the hall.

I think Amber (my Pom mix) is taking it the hardest. She tends to go to my room to sleep by herself a lot since that day.

I thought I was ready to say Goodbye to her. I truly did. I was sorely mistaken. I know she was in pain, I know she was going downhill fast, but when a pet is happy and seems otherwise okay, it is very hard to accept that I did the right thing. It is just very hard to say goodbye to my best friend. I spent that entire day holding her, hugging her, loving her, but honestly, I don’t feel like it was enough. If I had the chance to go back, I would love to hold her again.

She gave the best hugs.

I miss her so much.