Originally written: August 2012
They say men run from commitment. I think it’s opposite. I think it’s men who crave it the most. I fight attachment with everything I have. It’s not even something being wrong with the long list of ones who want something with me; it’s ME.
You’d have an easier time taming a wild animal.
Funny thing about that is how I end up writing female characters much like that. They want something, but there is a huge part of them which also fights it. They wish to be free and end up being kick-ass women for that reason. So a lot of me ends up always in the lead females: overcoming a lot, and managing to find a way out, or constantly battling something. Learning how to be strong and stick up for themselves, no matter what the past is, which they come from.
Wasn’t always that way either. When I was young, I let the romantic side rule me. I was madly in love with the idea of being in-love. I wanted marriage, the perfect guy, the lovely little house (not a white picket fence girl unless I build it myself really). Not anymore. The perfect guy for me isn’t even going to be perfect. He’s going to be as much a fighter as I am. Strong, patient, sweet: perfectly imperfect and a bit of an asshole because I don’t care what anyone thinks and I don’t want a guy who does either. I want him to do what he wants, be who he wants, and I’ll take that.
I won’t change anyone to fit what I want. They are either what I want, or I will move on because it’s not fair to either of us, if as we are, we aren’t the people we want to be with.
As I’ve gotten older I realized that “I” could give myself everything I’ve ever wanted. So a guy is a special addition to my life; not the entire purpose. Marriage isn’t the end game for me. Neither is commitment. I’m the first to tell people you want me? You’ve got the fight of your life on your hands and I’m not an easy person to love. The closer you get, the more I fight it. I have been through so much that it’s ingrained in me. I’m always the first to tell you of my faults. I can’t change them. I’ve tried. I have every day. They just don’t go away. Always coming back to ruin things with people, but I have honestly tried to stop it. I no longer bother to. I am accepting of who I am finally. Through my faults, I am always myself and that’s a great person. When I act like myself–cussing and bitchiness to boot–people love me. I speak my mind even if it may hurt, but I refuse to lie to people.
This is who I am, love me or hate me, at the end of the day I will still love me. I am all I have.
Maybe I’m just destined to stay a selfish, full-of-herself bitch. People like saying those three things so it must be true. It is true though. After a while you learn that you have to put yourself first or the world will eat you alive. It doesn’t mean I don’t care. It doesn’t mean I don’t love people, and do everything I can to help them out. It simply means that I put myself first and I won’t allow someone to steamroll me. Not anymore. It means that I am fiercely protective of those I love. It means my own opinions are just as important to me as yours are and I don’t allow others to dictate my life.
Most importantly it means that because I take care of myself first, when others need me, I can prioritize time for them. It means that I love and respect myself enough to not make someone my entire world so that I can love them with my entire heart and still be okay with, or without them. It really means I am always upfront and honest with people because I know my faults, I am very self-aware, and I have enough confidence to BE myself.
It’s not even a fear of love. I have loved every man in my life and I love with all my heart or it wouldn’t hurt when I lose them. Even if we never officially dated. I don’t fear love. I love love. I love the amazing men I know. I live my life each day like it’s my last. I love who I want, but I don’t tie myself down. I just FIGHT against ever attaching to anyone now. It’s in my nature.
I am complete as is though which is probably why I do. I don’t see any really valid reason–for me–to be tied down with someone.
So yes, I fight attachment because I’m fiercely independent. It’s not important to me when I have so many amazing men in my life who fulfill that [emotional] urge whenever I start feeling that loneliness creep in. That doesn’t mean life is a joyous, never feel lonely moment. Even couples can feel loneliness together. I just know how to manage it better than most I believe. You learn, when you’ve been single a long time, how.
I am a total selfish bitch, but I don’t need other’s judgement of how I live my life. I’m happy being who I am. I’m okay with the way things are in my life. It will take one damn special and strong/patient man to win my heart, and one who won’t let me push him around.
You want it? You’ve got the fight of your life on your hands. I may love you, and I may get close to you, but nothing lasts forever. I’m having fun each moment, and don’t think about long-term. I’m focusing on ME and if people don’t like that? Sorry, but I am who I am. You live your life and I will live mine. People say life is short and it is. Which is why I never understood committing to just one forever. It will take a long time to change my mind on that since it took a long time for me to come to terms with this new me.
How do you feel about commitment?