I am sitting here in my bed, getting ready to read (Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets). Kendra is lying at my feet, Sabrina is upon her bed, which sits at the end of my bed.
Soon, I will be joined by more. For now, it’s just them and Zeva on her branch. Zeva is grinding her beak, preparing herself for bed as well (she does it before bed as a comforting thing).
I am filled with a sense of peace. Overwhelming gratitude and joy is also in there. It has been a good day. It didn’t start that way.
By the time I post this, two days will have passed since this very moment, but I wanted to write now while everything is fresh. It is my goal to be more vulnerable and open this year. It has also become a goal to focus on the energy I put out into the world. I want to live with grace and beauty. I want to ensure that as I face each day, it is more on a positive note, and a peace state. Peace as in calm. I am usually as such naturally, but living around negative individuals and people who have never matured properly, it affects me. I do not want to live my life in a high strung state. I do not want to be reactive. I want to be active and energetic, but calm within. I prefer that state. It isn’t just for me, but the world. Because I believe everything we do, affects the world. By changing who I am, I am changing the world.
I listened to Eckhart Tolle say that in the last podcast I listened to tonight while I cooked dinner. That what we put out alters the world. If we live in anger, the world becomes angry. Our lives are connected. I want that because I see it in my pets. Alone around my mom too long, the animals become infected with anxiousness, and panicky fear. They become reactive. Even The Dog Whisperer, Cesar Millan says the same, and I have noticed it through the time that I have owned animals: Your energy affects the dogs around you.
Back to this morning.
I woke up in a very insecure state. I woke up (I shared on my Wednesday Facebook post here) wondering why I bother [with any of it]. I have learned through my experiences that it is best not to hide from that feeling. I felt it, I accepted that was how I felt, and I allowed it to happen so that it could pass me by. It did halfway through the day.
What was interesting was the podcast I happened to listen to from Eckhart Tolle and Oprah was the one where they were discussing that too. When one feels something like that, just feel it. Accept it. But don’t react, don’t dwell, don’t fight it. Simply be in the feeling. You can speak about it, but again, let nothing else be within it. If you can act and change it (my action to change it was to simply go on about my day), then do so.
I used to tell people about that. How I finally managed to acknowledge that sometimes I am prone to depressive moods. Having kicked depressions butt to kingdom come when I was sixteen and nearly committed suicide, I still am susceptible to experiencing it. For me, it isn’t a question of getting to that state again. I know I won’t. I have found that to be the best method to ridding myself of that negative energy. Feel it, accept it, then allow it to pass by as it will. If I have to cry, I will cry. I will feel every last ounce of it, even if it’s to wallow. I will generally do it privately.
I do attribute the way I felt this morning to monthly hormones. Lately I have hit the exhaustion, hormones (insecurity and sadness are the main that really strike me), and dizziness. The first few days are finally passing so my hormones will be balancing back out on their own, but I still decided I should write this down now because of the energy state I am in.
And the answer to my own question?
Because I love to. Because I love when someone messages me and tells them how much I helped them. Because I adore the people who I mentor, or who I teach, who read my books, and everyone else around me.
Because the moment it feels like work, I will stop.
And if I stop and then miss it (doesn’t ever take me long to) I will begin again. I no longer do anything that I don’t feel pleasure in doing.
Not every second of every day does someone who is naturally bubbly and happy, feel that way. Sometimes those thoughts or feelings do creep in. What’s more important is not to hide from them, or fight against them. Otherwise they persist.
I will admit that at times I find it disappointing when I face a moment like that, and I’m open about it, and there will come a person around me that may act as though I can’t handle it. Or that I may revert back into a worse state. I can’t say it won’t ever happen, but I can say that the last time I was anywhere near bad off was because of the last rape (or what happened after more so). I had a reason. Even the strong can get weak for a moment. And that is what it is. A moment. You don’t have to feel as though you won’t make it back out. If you’re feeling a bit insecure, simply feel it, and accept that it is there at that time, then it can move on.
And so too, can you.
And now, as this day closes, and I am about to read the book, I am filled with a sense of peace. I am grateful for this life I have.
It has been a good day.